When your lips touched the surface of mine
Sometimes the smoke would slowly crawl from
the corners of your mouth. What an exciting way to kiss
somebody, or to be kissed! We always tried to make the
most of those twenty dollar bills and the limited amount
of heat from the floor vents.
I can't keep clearing them out.
I know it's unacceptable but I'm accepting it.
I could have used that sixty dollars.
Maybe they just don't understand how bad this really is?
Maybe no one does?
I can't talk about it, I'd rather question if this is really happening.
I haven't thought about it in complete.
I've resorted to living this out and not worrying about whatever is to come.
Credit. What does that mean?
I can't pretend that I care with the state of our current system.
it's not working, we all know better.
He was neurotic. I can't blame him.
I'm neurotic. This is crazy. Sometimes I start to feel like I might honestly be able to comprehend this state we're in. Then, I'm smack down to the ice. Or the floor, whichever comes first. I hope you love this. I really hope it's everything you've ever wanted or dreamed of. I'm sort of dying. I'm sort of dying and have been since the day I was born. that's the problem. I've always been on the edge of the surface. i know the edge today. I've never felt so strong about the situation. My dad understand, he hated it. He knew he had to understand or that was the end. It could possibly be too late already. Know one can really ever know.
Why are you always laughing? everyone know it's not really funny.
It wouldn't be funny. Without you? Maybe.
25.12.08
23.12.08
people are so funny
so today, i'm minding my business and my mom and dad's good friend (who is currently living with us) comes home drunk.
He walks upstairs to where I am sitting and says, "So, I know your mind is probably fucked up cause you're bored."
I looked at him and replied, "Nah, I'm straight. I've been sitting at home all night.. nothing too exciting."
He unzips his pocket and pulls out something metal. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you want to hit this?"
I turned him down.
BUMMER. can I invent a time machine that throws me back ten minutes ago?
He walks upstairs to where I am sitting and says, "So, I know your mind is probably fucked up cause you're bored."
I looked at him and replied, "Nah, I'm straight. I've been sitting at home all night.. nothing too exciting."
He unzips his pocket and pulls out something metal. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you want to hit this?"
I turned him down.
BUMMER. can I invent a time machine that throws me back ten minutes ago?
18.12.08
9.12.08
the truth is, I miss you.
There was a day when I used to get what I deserved.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.
The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.
Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.
Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."
it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.
Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.
One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.
i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.
The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.
Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.
Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."
it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.
Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.
One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.
i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.
I've got a bottle of Clairol Volume 20 developer and a knife that says, "What's up?"
dayum.
mother nature just released her wrath upon chicago
and of course, it's the day I forget my keys to my house.
So... I had to stand outside for about an hour and 45 minutes, waiting for a cab to pick me up and take me to Starbucks to borrow Jovanni's keys.
Ugh, 10 dollar mistake. 10 dollars or frostbite. Part of me thinks frostbite is more worth it.
I forgot how much I enjoy Rainer Maria.
Slam to the back of your head, you've never been here before.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Slam to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Make amends, let's make amends.
What makes a man?
I'm being passive agressive but I can't deal with the sound of their feet.
Speaking of feet, mine feel soggy.
I just got the sensation that everything was a good idea. Are what you living what you feel?
Are you aware of the hole you've dug? Where are your priorities?
mother nature just released her wrath upon chicago
and of course, it's the day I forget my keys to my house.
So... I had to stand outside for about an hour and 45 minutes, waiting for a cab to pick me up and take me to Starbucks to borrow Jovanni's keys.
Ugh, 10 dollar mistake. 10 dollars or frostbite. Part of me thinks frostbite is more worth it.
I forgot how much I enjoy Rainer Maria.
Slam to the back of your head, you've never been here before.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Slam to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Make amends, let's make amends.
What makes a man?
I'm being passive agressive but I can't deal with the sound of their feet.
Speaking of feet, mine feel soggy.
I just got the sensation that everything was a good idea. Are what you living what you feel?
Are you aware of the hole you've dug? Where are your priorities?
8.12.08
This is going to be a Smith's kind of winter.
At worse you'll be left so admirably.
You can't figure out what you're missing,
and you're twenty-two minutes late according to their clocks.
Constant petitioning for a thought from the other end. Please, don’t drown me.
This wave of emotion is set to cripple and I'm fragile at my seams.
"Can't go with my heart, when I can't feel what's in it. I thought you'd come over, but for some reason you didn't. Glass on the pavement under my shoe. Without you is all my life amounts to."
You are leaving a trail of sparks and I'm carrying enough gasoline to burn this whole city down.
Let it slip away at the shoreline. Let me slip away at the shoreline.
He was neurotic anyways.
You can't figure out what you're missing,
and you're twenty-two minutes late according to their clocks.
Constant petitioning for a thought from the other end. Please, don’t drown me.
This wave of emotion is set to cripple and I'm fragile at my seams.
"Can't go with my heart, when I can't feel what's in it. I thought you'd come over, but for some reason you didn't. Glass on the pavement under my shoe. Without you is all my life amounts to."
You are leaving a trail of sparks and I'm carrying enough gasoline to burn this whole city down.
Let it slip away at the shoreline. Let me slip away at the shoreline.
He was neurotic anyways.
5.12.08
travel
My whole life I’ve been numb, but never as numb as I felt last night.
I considered the problems of falling asleep at the wheel while my chest wheezed. The room smelled like fresh laundry but the smoke lingered in the air. I’m supposed to leave in 15 minutes. This room is so innocent in some ways. Not so much in others. I feel like I was very mature for my age at the start of all of this, but I made some mistakes and this room saw the truth of everything. I came here and in this bedroom I developed my identity. I live in the stage of responsibility. Responsibility and freedom together can be hard to balance out. I look around my room and so many of my general interests have started to stray from me. It’s like I’ve developed this whole other side of myself. My roots are all still the same, but I feel crazy. There is so much I forget about until I come here. I forget how fun some of these people can be and how much love I have from my parents. I forgot how good it feels to run errands with my mom in the evening, or how great it feels to sit on the couch beside my dad and watch mind-numbing sitcoms. I forget how good it is to see my dog again; she’s not going to be around much longer. I keep waking up and panicking, like I’m supposed to be at work and I’ve overslept. I wake up in a strange place and look around and then realize where I am. I realize I can sleep until whenever I want. There are three spots for light bulbs in my ceiling fan and for the first time in my life, there are three light bulbs filling their spots. My room feels so much brighter than it ever has before.
I considered the problems of falling asleep at the wheel while my chest wheezed. The room smelled like fresh laundry but the smoke lingered in the air. I’m supposed to leave in 15 minutes. This room is so innocent in some ways. Not so much in others. I feel like I was very mature for my age at the start of all of this, but I made some mistakes and this room saw the truth of everything. I came here and in this bedroom I developed my identity. I live in the stage of responsibility. Responsibility and freedom together can be hard to balance out. I look around my room and so many of my general interests have started to stray from me. It’s like I’ve developed this whole other side of myself. My roots are all still the same, but I feel crazy. There is so much I forget about until I come here. I forget how fun some of these people can be and how much love I have from my parents. I forgot how good it feels to run errands with my mom in the evening, or how great it feels to sit on the couch beside my dad and watch mind-numbing sitcoms. I forget how good it is to see my dog again; she’s not going to be around much longer. I keep waking up and panicking, like I’m supposed to be at work and I’ve overslept. I wake up in a strange place and look around and then realize where I am. I realize I can sleep until whenever I want. There are three spots for light bulbs in my ceiling fan and for the first time in my life, there are three light bulbs filling their spots. My room feels so much brighter than it ever has before.
3.12.08
I never see the city anymore
my back is severely knotted. It's not just knots, it's mountains.
The heat works now and it's giving me a sore throat.
I should try wearing more than leggings for the rest of my life.
So what did you do on your day off?
"I smoked weed and then pranced around in minimal clothing, while the thermostat read 77. I could have sworn it was no warmer than 45. My toes are frozen and if I keep prancing, I might step too hard and crack them. This cut on my foot is gaping, oozing, shit."
The heater in my room might blow me away, or at least to Africa.
The stars and the moons encompass my body when I get out of the shower in the morning.
It helps to ease me into the everyday grind of cab rides and folding boards.
Making less than you're spending and it's your own goddamn fault.
THEN JOVANNI CAME HOME! ON THE TELEPHONE.
"you have to meet him, he's amazing. I want to show my family like, 'Hey, I'm gay, but I've got this really amazing person in my life and it's really important that you meet him!'
Isn't that what we are all secretly trying to say?
I'm going to stick with exploding. Something has escaped me for a brief period of time and I'm scared and I don't want to forget that.
Exploding used to be right next to my pillow and blanket in my comfort zone. My hair is blowing around and I feel like I am in the back seat of my mother's car again. My chest feels tight and my lungs are struggling. I gasp for air and it's just a warm placebo. Is grey really the color that's there after you're gone?
you are asexual, like Steven Patrick Morrissey.
"He knows so much about these things."
MY IPOD ISN'T STOLEN. yay!
However, there is still an eyelash in my eye and I can't get it out.
"I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
I'll keep my mouth kept shut, under lock and key that's rusted from no lie.
Cause all these conversations whine, on and on, on and on."
^^^^^
pathetic.
All the things you said can be terminated with the hit of a switch.
Sometimes I make up my own rules of grammar. MLA format, my assssssssss. Dunzo.
it's dot. dot. dot. comma, dot.
She just opened her door and is going to comment on high I am looking and acting. My mom would always stop mid-sentence while talking to me and just say "blah blah blah... and you are so goddamn high right now.. look at you, haha you little asshole." I would just giggle and stare at the computer screen. I have no space to alleviate all of this. There are just things everywhere.
It's been a while since I've had that sensation run through my legs. It's been since the school bus. The Jetta chronicles. It was my bubble and my bedroom. I have definitely slept in that car before; afraid to go home because I knew I was going to get yelled at. I never really did though; I'd go home when I'd finally get scared I was going to get arrested again.
Destructive.
Note to self:
Song for all the young casanovas and casanovettes
Spring and by summer fall
Don't ever fall in love
yessir.
The heat works now and it's giving me a sore throat.
I should try wearing more than leggings for the rest of my life.
So what did you do on your day off?
"I smoked weed and then pranced around in minimal clothing, while the thermostat read 77. I could have sworn it was no warmer than 45. My toes are frozen and if I keep prancing, I might step too hard and crack them. This cut on my foot is gaping, oozing, shit."
The heater in my room might blow me away, or at least to Africa.
The stars and the moons encompass my body when I get out of the shower in the morning.
It helps to ease me into the everyday grind of cab rides and folding boards.
Making less than you're spending and it's your own goddamn fault.
THEN JOVANNI CAME HOME! ON THE TELEPHONE.
"you have to meet him, he's amazing. I want to show my family like, 'Hey, I'm gay, but I've got this really amazing person in my life and it's really important that you meet him!'
Isn't that what we are all secretly trying to say?
I'm going to stick with exploding. Something has escaped me for a brief period of time and I'm scared and I don't want to forget that.
Exploding used to be right next to my pillow and blanket in my comfort zone. My hair is blowing around and I feel like I am in the back seat of my mother's car again. My chest feels tight and my lungs are struggling. I gasp for air and it's just a warm placebo. Is grey really the color that's there after you're gone?
you are asexual, like Steven Patrick Morrissey.
"He knows so much about these things."
MY IPOD ISN'T STOLEN. yay!
However, there is still an eyelash in my eye and I can't get it out.
"I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
I'll keep my mouth kept shut, under lock and key that's rusted from no lie.
Cause all these conversations whine, on and on, on and on."
^^^^^
pathetic.
All the things you said can be terminated with the hit of a switch.
Sometimes I make up my own rules of grammar. MLA format, my assssssssss. Dunzo.
it's dot. dot. dot. comma, dot.
She just opened her door and is going to comment on high I am looking and acting. My mom would always stop mid-sentence while talking to me and just say "blah blah blah... and you are so goddamn high right now.. look at you, haha you little asshole." I would just giggle and stare at the computer screen. I have no space to alleviate all of this. There are just things everywhere.
It's been a while since I've had that sensation run through my legs. It's been since the school bus. The Jetta chronicles. It was my bubble and my bedroom. I have definitely slept in that car before; afraid to go home because I knew I was going to get yelled at. I never really did though; I'd go home when I'd finally get scared I was going to get arrested again.
Destructive.
Note to self:
Song for all the young casanovas and casanovettes
Spring and by summer fall
Don't ever fall in love
yessir.
25.11.08
"Jason Quever called. He said stop singing his songs."
"you don't have a choice, it's encoded in your voice
& everything you say makes it ten times worse."
There is no heat here. The last time I checked it was 52 degrees Fahrenheit.
My fingers are stiff and also feel like jell-o. Try to imagine that!
We paid the bill on time! I paid over $150 on my own.
Ugh, I'm miserable. I thought I figured out how to fix it because it kicked on, turns out it's blowing cold air.
Worse.
At one point, I resorted to plugging in my hair dryer and warming my hands and feet with it on occasion.
Will call tomorrow.
Pennsylvania? - Unsuccessful.
ps. lain, no more taxis this pay period!
& everything you say makes it ten times worse."
There is no heat here. The last time I checked it was 52 degrees Fahrenheit.
My fingers are stiff and also feel like jell-o. Try to imagine that!
We paid the bill on time! I paid over $150 on my own.
Ugh, I'm miserable. I thought I figured out how to fix it because it kicked on, turns out it's blowing cold air.
Worse.
At one point, I resorted to plugging in my hair dryer and warming my hands and feet with it on occasion.
Will call tomorrow.
Pennsylvania? - Unsuccessful.
ps. lain, no more taxis this pay period!
22.11.08
We're taking it on.
Why don't we take all our weekends in the fall, at the same time.
All in all, you're still up pacing every evening, wall to wall.
And I'm left with mine.
Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
And it's getting old, why don't we take all the weekdays we can hold in a city.
I don't know, if it's easier to run when things go wrong and begin again.
Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?
Why don't we take all our weekends in the fall, at the same time.
All in all, you're still up pacing every evening, wall to wall.
And I'm left with mine.
Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
And it's getting old, why don't we take all the weekdays we can hold in a city.
I don't know, if it's easier to run when things go wrong and begin again.
Walking away when you know there's nothing, talking away at the pavement like you always did, and always will.
What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?
21.11.08
The autobiography of an ostrich
$0892270022 does not work for the connection
“My grandfather was part of a guerilla warfare group”
I thought the two of them were in this together.
To my surprise, I turned around and saw you.
It’s getting harder to “rise and shine” when it’s dark at 6pm.
The next 15 minutes will define me as a student.
The next hour will define me as a person.
I am not an ostrich. I am a brick wall.
She should know better than to pull a fast one.
Testosterone is close to consuming those walls.
I’m not very concerned about the vibe, I’m going to give her what I’ve been promising.
I need to do the same for my own father.
“You know that I expect people to hold up their end of the bargain. So stand true to your word, Alaina.”
In terms of being parallel, I wish I could play stupid.
Don’t forget about health!
It’s only been this cold out for a couple days and I forgot what it’s like to have cold hands. I guess I had better get used to this, it will be months before my fingers aren’t stiff anymore.
My teacher, Virginia Atkinson, has a Logan Square doppleganger.
I need to start returning phone calls.
I’ve been taking steps towards being a better person and being better to people.
I was disgusted at how accurate that story was.
I couldn’t believe that things like that can happen.
It’s nowhere near it's end.
It’s getting easier not to call.
It’s finally the appropriate month for that song!
We’re 8 days away from what could be a melt down.
This is an economic meltdown. It’s funny that it took everyone so long to notice. It took the newspapers to spell it out for us. It took a credit freeze.
I think she was right in her winter thesis. I’m so prepared for this though, I’m on the upswing. All of the leaves and street signs are holding on for dear life. I’m holding on for dear life. Silver surfer.
I’m thinking about the night we watched a movie on the couch. My parents were sleeping in their room and we went outside on my back porch. I sparked the lighter but I could only see the flame in your eyes.
When it’s time to get in trouble, we knew just what to do.
“My grandfather was part of a guerilla warfare group”
I thought the two of them were in this together.
To my surprise, I turned around and saw you.
It’s getting harder to “rise and shine” when it’s dark at 6pm.
The next 15 minutes will define me as a student.
The next hour will define me as a person.
I am not an ostrich. I am a brick wall.
She should know better than to pull a fast one.
Testosterone is close to consuming those walls.
I’m not very concerned about the vibe, I’m going to give her what I’ve been promising.
I need to do the same for my own father.
“You know that I expect people to hold up their end of the bargain. So stand true to your word, Alaina.”
In terms of being parallel, I wish I could play stupid.
Don’t forget about health!
It’s only been this cold out for a couple days and I forgot what it’s like to have cold hands. I guess I had better get used to this, it will be months before my fingers aren’t stiff anymore.
My teacher, Virginia Atkinson, has a Logan Square doppleganger.
I need to start returning phone calls.
I’ve been taking steps towards being a better person and being better to people.
I was disgusted at how accurate that story was.
I couldn’t believe that things like that can happen.
It’s nowhere near it's end.
It’s getting easier not to call.
It’s finally the appropriate month for that song!
We’re 8 days away from what could be a melt down.
This is an economic meltdown. It’s funny that it took everyone so long to notice. It took the newspapers to spell it out for us. It took a credit freeze.
I think she was right in her winter thesis. I’m so prepared for this though, I’m on the upswing. All of the leaves and street signs are holding on for dear life. I’m holding on for dear life. Silver surfer.
I’m thinking about the night we watched a movie on the couch. My parents were sleeping in their room and we went outside on my back porch. I sparked the lighter but I could only see the flame in your eyes.
When it’s time to get in trouble, we knew just what to do.
19.11.08
i never would have guessed that the megabus offered free wireless
thats a plus one on the side of things that tell me humanity might be restored.
i dont want to be left with those words stuck in my teeth.
I bit off more than I could chew and I dont know what to do.
Swallowing is not an option, you dug right into this one.
Finding snowfall on state lines, I just want to tell you this before it's too late.
This customary abandonment will not be taken lightly.
I will always think of the back seat when I think of the summer.
The signals straight from the blender were returned with much less grace (or no grace at all.)
If you want to run away, I won't say I can't maintain.
I hope my fingers get in the way of my speech's path.
I hope the numbest displaces the part that feels.
I hope when you're here, you are here.
I hope there is something there to help with the restraint.
I don't have much time left until the year has slipped by.
Calendars are ticking time bombs, there's 43 seconds left.
I don't want them to tell me this is okay.
The truth is an erectile malfunction in the eye's of a man.
There is no room for don't ask, don't tell ideologies.
I think and feel in 45 degree angles.
i dont want to be left with those words stuck in my teeth.
I bit off more than I could chew and I dont know what to do.
Swallowing is not an option, you dug right into this one.
Finding snowfall on state lines, I just want to tell you this before it's too late.
This customary abandonment will not be taken lightly.
I will always think of the back seat when I think of the summer.
The signals straight from the blender were returned with much less grace (or no grace at all.)
If you want to run away, I won't say I can't maintain.
I hope my fingers get in the way of my speech's path.
I hope the numbest displaces the part that feels.
I hope when you're here, you are here.
I hope there is something there to help with the restraint.
I don't have much time left until the year has slipped by.
Calendars are ticking time bombs, there's 43 seconds left.
I don't want them to tell me this is okay.
The truth is an erectile malfunction in the eye's of a man.
There is no room for don't ask, don't tell ideologies.
I think and feel in 45 degree angles.
I was thinking about today and it was a funny day.
I spent the entire day frustrated. I'm better now.
I had to keep doing things for people and eventually it came down to who was going to be more pissed that I didn't get their stuff done soon enough. That sentence is so confusing, I don't even know what that means.
Then I was standing at an intersection, waiting for the walk signal. (I hate crosswalks.) This guy was standing outside of this beat up, old blazer and he was yelling in Spanish to this couple that was inside. They just had their windows rolled up, except the woman in the passenger seat looked horrified. The guy just started kicking the side view mirror off of the blazer as he screamed. The mirror fell to the ground and then he started kicking the bumper. The bumper started to fall off the car. Haha, I didn't know what to do. This other guy was standing there with me just watching. I just stood there in shock that I was witnessing this. I can't believe the couple inside didn't do a thing about it either. He was standing there kicking the shit out of their blazer for a good 5 minutes and they just sat in the car and looked out horrified. I wish I knew Spanish.
Then, I'm sitting on the Fullerton bus on the way home from work. We were at Southport and these two girls were running to catch the bus (i didn't notice them at the time.) So I'm sitting there with no ipod and all of the sudden, as the bus pulls from the stop I heard this huge thud on the side of the window and i look over and just see a hand. I think I jumped 14 feet. The girls got on the bus because the driver heard them screaming. They sat down and started laughing hysterically about the situation and I started giggling to myself. They looked over and we all laughed for about 4 minutes together about it. All I said was, "Hey man, I was on your side!"
dumb story central.
I spent the entire day frustrated. I'm better now.
I had to keep doing things for people and eventually it came down to who was going to be more pissed that I didn't get their stuff done soon enough. That sentence is so confusing, I don't even know what that means.
Then I was standing at an intersection, waiting for the walk signal. (I hate crosswalks.) This guy was standing outside of this beat up, old blazer and he was yelling in Spanish to this couple that was inside. They just had their windows rolled up, except the woman in the passenger seat looked horrified. The guy just started kicking the side view mirror off of the blazer as he screamed. The mirror fell to the ground and then he started kicking the bumper. The bumper started to fall off the car. Haha, I didn't know what to do. This other guy was standing there with me just watching. I just stood there in shock that I was witnessing this. I can't believe the couple inside didn't do a thing about it either. He was standing there kicking the shit out of their blazer for a good 5 minutes and they just sat in the car and looked out horrified. I wish I knew Spanish.
Then, I'm sitting on the Fullerton bus on the way home from work. We were at Southport and these two girls were running to catch the bus (i didn't notice them at the time.) So I'm sitting there with no ipod and all of the sudden, as the bus pulls from the stop I heard this huge thud on the side of the window and i look over and just see a hand. I think I jumped 14 feet. The girls got on the bus because the driver heard them screaming. They sat down and started laughing hysterically about the situation and I started giggling to myself. They looked over and we all laughed for about 4 minutes together about it. All I said was, "Hey man, I was on your side!"
dumb story central.
ride the sky
It's the time of the year when everything is cold.
I am freezing. My hands are always pink and veiny.
My bruises are taking more than a decade to leave my body.
The yellow pigment is showing more than ever!
I can feel the heat beaming down on me, but it's fighting the trojan horse.
I don't want to miss you before you leave.
I am freezing. My hands are always pink and veiny.
My bruises are taking more than a decade to leave my body.
The yellow pigment is showing more than ever!
I can feel the heat beaming down on me, but it's fighting the trojan horse.
I don't want to miss you before you leave.
6.11.08
you, you're awesome.
desperate enough
Hey buddy, just so you know, I'm on your side.
My hands were soaked and I thought of you.
it's what we never were after all.
(someone please tell me my horoscope won't be right for once.)
Hey buddy, just so you know, I'm on your side.
My hands were soaked and I thought of you.
it's what we never were after all.
(someone please tell me my horoscope won't be right for once.)
2.11.08
dont scare me
It's the idea of tug o war.
up and down, and a "thank you" in between
I'm begging you to just tell me.
I figured you'd tell me if it was important.
don't pull me out of there, i never asked that of you.
It's all in the way you use your eyes.
Sleep is so close to my agenda, I'm not running parallel
thank you for being a part of this
please, leave me be.
don't just turn the volume down, listen to what I'm trying to say to you.
Don't walk on eggshells for me. I'm not as fragile as you think.
up and down, and a "thank you" in between
I'm begging you to just tell me.
I figured you'd tell me if it was important.
don't pull me out of there, i never asked that of you.
It's all in the way you use your eyes.
Sleep is so close to my agenda, I'm not running parallel
thank you for being a part of this
please, leave me be.
don't just turn the volume down, listen to what I'm trying to say to you.
Don't walk on eggshells for me. I'm not as fragile as you think.
27.10.08
25.10.08
okay, so i'm not really sure if you are morally supposed to be drinking heavily at 6:42am.
ahhh... ehhh.. ahhh...
i'm still so obviously confused.
I know he's probably wondering what he did and if it was okay. (if you're looking: it's okay.)
I know a place where hate and innocence can play.
Everyday is a new chance.
Losing touch with reality, this isn't where I'm supposed to be!
Why do things like "do's and dont's" control us?
why do we let them?
i dont know what kind of writing i do.
stream of conscience.
or maybe not.
this is.
I dont want to go to sleep, this is getting ridiculous.
I don't blame marissa at all, it's warm.
so poised in the center of the room.
750 mL and I need reminded of what it's good for.
i wonder what makes it so hard to speak your mind.
children, tendencies.
we zoom in.
neo violence.
ahhh... ehhh.. ahhh...
i'm still so obviously confused.
I know he's probably wondering what he did and if it was okay. (if you're looking: it's okay.)
I know a place where hate and innocence can play.
Everyday is a new chance.
Losing touch with reality, this isn't where I'm supposed to be!
Why do things like "do's and dont's" control us?
why do we let them?
i dont know what kind of writing i do.
stream of conscience.
or maybe not.
this is.
I dont want to go to sleep, this is getting ridiculous.
I don't blame marissa at all, it's warm.
so poised in the center of the room.
750 mL and I need reminded of what it's good for.
i wonder what makes it so hard to speak your mind.
children, tendencies.
we zoom in.
neo violence.
4 3 2 1
678-762-1113 ext 110 urie if i want to make bank, do i sell myself short for one of these jobs?
i have someone's hands under me, ready to give me the boost I need.
Trying to save the ice cube from the cold.
I still wish Jeff was here, every time.
Even if we knew which way to head, well, still we probably wouldn't go.
He dropped the line I was scared of. It always comes eventually, i was really ready for it.
I just want to know what was in that warehouse?
"I walked outside. I couldn't cry. I don't know why."
You wait. I overanalyze.
When I was on my way to the train, I noticed what a wonderful night it was for a bike ride.
The after rain feeling made me come alive.
I had no problem jumping on that train.
I don't want to put another hole in this poor organ in my body.
When I asked her for one, she gave me six.
How is the construction still going at 6 am? or maybe it just started?
When I asked him how much, he said how many.
When I walked away, he pursued. Then, he quickly retracted his decision.
He doesn't know that I know about this.
i have someone's hands under me, ready to give me the boost I need.
Trying to save the ice cube from the cold.
I still wish Jeff was here, every time.
Even if we knew which way to head, well, still we probably wouldn't go.
He dropped the line I was scared of. It always comes eventually, i was really ready for it.
I just want to know what was in that warehouse?
"I walked outside. I couldn't cry. I don't know why."
You wait. I overanalyze.
When I was on my way to the train, I noticed what a wonderful night it was for a bike ride.
The after rain feeling made me come alive.
I had no problem jumping on that train.
I don't want to put another hole in this poor organ in my body.
When I asked her for one, she gave me six.
How is the construction still going at 6 am? or maybe it just started?
When I asked him how much, he said how many.
When I walked away, he pursued. Then, he quickly retracted his decision.
He doesn't know that I know about this.
24.10.08
Thursdays are good to weekends
Sometimes the quiet roars louder than the music that is used to displace it in the first place.
It's like sitting on your bedroom floor packing your suitcase to go home for 2 weeks when no one is left. You know you have 2 hours until you are supposed to be at the airport and all you can do is cure yourself of a couple more minutes. All it takes it hearing that one song and you have already lost sight of what you were doing in the first place. As hard as you cough, you have a headache (or maybe a fever.) When I think about the tough obstacles I could face on the trek to the station, the last I think about is how tough it is to pull a suitcase through the snow.
I don't want you to know my name.
Out in the desert your thoughts are as clear as the stars. You feel golden. You're billion year old carbon.
It's like sitting on your bedroom floor packing your suitcase to go home for 2 weeks when no one is left. You know you have 2 hours until you are supposed to be at the airport and all you can do is cure yourself of a couple more minutes. All it takes it hearing that one song and you have already lost sight of what you were doing in the first place. As hard as you cough, you have a headache (or maybe a fever.) When I think about the tough obstacles I could face on the trek to the station, the last I think about is how tough it is to pull a suitcase through the snow.
I don't want you to know my name.
Out in the desert your thoughts are as clear as the stars. You feel golden. You're billion year old carbon.
23.10.08
Your flattery is falling on it's face and do you think we could try forgetting?
The slow decrease is making my chest fill with fluid and I'm not 100% sure this antidote will do the trick.
The last time I checked this was the first real thing I've felt in years.
I don't mind silence, except when you're around.
The rain was coming down and you grabbed my hand.
It was the first real thing I've felt in years.
I want to stop seeing the big picture. Let's focus on the details, because this keeps skipping tracks.
I haven't listened to this album in so long.
The only thing worse than riding in the cold is riding in the cold with a cold.
I should not have taken those with milk, milk does not mix well by any means.
When did it get to be that time? Love stories are drowning out the 3am hour.
goodnight and good luck.
The slow decrease is making my chest fill with fluid and I'm not 100% sure this antidote will do the trick.
The last time I checked this was the first real thing I've felt in years.
I don't mind silence, except when you're around.
The rain was coming down and you grabbed my hand.
It was the first real thing I've felt in years.
I want to stop seeing the big picture. Let's focus on the details, because this keeps skipping tracks.
I haven't listened to this album in so long.
The only thing worse than riding in the cold is riding in the cold with a cold.
I should not have taken those with milk, milk does not mix well by any means.
When did it get to be that time? Love stories are drowning out the 3am hour.
goodnight and good luck.
14.10.08
I felt like Bruce Springsteen again
I never want to be one to judge a man by the color of his sneakers.
The train operators voice was young. Probably not much older than myself.
"You must transfer at the elevated tracks at Clark and Lake. Again, the red line is running on the elevated loop structure."
I don't want to be the lord of the flies? Why are you following me?
The screeches of rapid transit are hurting my teeth.
I forgot to call my dad back.
At the LaSalle stop there is a piece of art on the wall and nobody knows it. It's something like the fourth blank Ad space, on the forest park side of the platform. It's a window looking out to a desert and there is a really dark cloud lurking overhead, like it might actually rain in the desert. (Ha! The cacti could only wish!) There is also a faint replica of a flower. It is a picture that could have been made using only pastels and indian ink. I discovered it on a rainy thursday night. I was on my way to an adventure that would later turn us all into living picture frames. Why am I so good at this!?
The cta reaks of take-out Chinese and the idea of poverty gone all wrong.
I guess it's been looked at which makes me hate it.
The room is great.
The space is neat.
It's simple, yet has character.
It's togetherness, for a change.
Besides it's tiny appearance
I didn't want a lot of space.
I remembered that my soul color is orange.
I'm glad it's a word that has nothing that can rhyme with it.
The train operators voice was young. Probably not much older than myself.
"You must transfer at the elevated tracks at Clark and Lake. Again, the red line is running on the elevated loop structure."
I don't want to be the lord of the flies? Why are you following me?
The screeches of rapid transit are hurting my teeth.
I forgot to call my dad back.
At the LaSalle stop there is a piece of art on the wall and nobody knows it. It's something like the fourth blank Ad space, on the forest park side of the platform. It's a window looking out to a desert and there is a really dark cloud lurking overhead, like it might actually rain in the desert. (Ha! The cacti could only wish!) There is also a faint replica of a flower. It is a picture that could have been made using only pastels and indian ink. I discovered it on a rainy thursday night. I was on my way to an adventure that would later turn us all into living picture frames. Why am I so good at this!?
The cta reaks of take-out Chinese and the idea of poverty gone all wrong.
I guess it's been looked at which makes me hate it.
The room is great.
The space is neat.
It's simple, yet has character.
It's togetherness, for a change.
Besides it's tiny appearance
I didn't want a lot of space.
I remembered that my soul color is orange.
I'm glad it's a word that has nothing that can rhyme with it.
12.10.08
20.9.08
sort of how bums in lincoln park listening to cassettes can send me into an adrenaline induced comatose. Sometimes it feels like the only alone time I get is on my lunch breaks.
I was sitting next to the only lit up tree in the park. It was only 10 after six.
I can feel my heartbeat in my throat. I still obsess over things that relate to me.
I was sitting next to the only lit up tree in the park. It was only 10 after six.
I can feel my heartbeat in my throat. I still obsess over things that relate to me.
30.8.08
I have been thinking a lot about drinking and driving.
Lately, it feels as if allergies are lurking on my eyelashes and occasionally stabbing my eyeballs. I hate this time of the year. Fall, you can't come soon enough.
I get chills when i think about it sometimes.
I can finally relate to her on all levels.
"I dont have friends here"
I feel like I hear that phrase thrown around so much.
Hold out for the ones you know love you.
Hide out for the ones you know will love you too.
I'm barely there.
Slow.
Where am I going? Why am I doing this?
I used to be so goddamn sure of myself all the time.
I didn't imagine this is what I'd be doing here.
I didn't see this as my future and that's scaring the shit out of me.
Up until this point everything had gone according to plan.
. A whim.
this is nothing like my plan.
I'm supposed to be leaving right now and I don't feel like moving.
I keep dimes in my penny loafters, just sayin.
(i keep head scratchin', I hope this new job didn't give me lice)
L-O-V-E carved your name into me.
Lately, it feels as if allergies are lurking on my eyelashes and occasionally stabbing my eyeballs. I hate this time of the year. Fall, you can't come soon enough.
I get chills when i think about it sometimes.
I can finally relate to her on all levels.
"I dont have friends here"
I feel like I hear that phrase thrown around so much.
Hold out for the ones you know love you.
Hide out for the ones you know will love you too.
I'm barely there.
Slow.
Where am I going? Why am I doing this?
I used to be so goddamn sure of myself all the time.
I didn't imagine this is what I'd be doing here.
I didn't see this as my future and that's scaring the shit out of me.
Up until this point everything had gone according to plan.
. A whim.
this is nothing like my plan.
I'm supposed to be leaving right now and I don't feel like moving.
I keep dimes in my penny loafters, just sayin.
(i keep head scratchin', I hope this new job didn't give me lice)
L-O-V-E carved your name into me.
23.8.08
It's been a year and I'm still not sure.
I dont know if it's growing up that is confusing me or living here that is confusing me.
I'm not convinced that if I was there it'd be in any better.
All I can say is I've worked doubles everyday this week and I'm so worn out.
But it's been one year so I'm going to go out and celebrate. (and pay for it at work tomorrow, fuck u work)
In the city, you must make yourself light.
In the city, you don't have to decide.
Sometimes check yourself, make sure you're alive.
(looking down on the smallest thing, I'm not seeing anything.)
I dont know if it's growing up that is confusing me or living here that is confusing me.
I'm not convinced that if I was there it'd be in any better.
All I can say is I've worked doubles everyday this week and I'm so worn out.
But it's been one year so I'm going to go out and celebrate. (and pay for it at work tomorrow, fuck u work)
In the city, you must make yourself light.
In the city, you don't have to decide.
Sometimes check yourself, make sure you're alive.
(looking down on the smallest thing, I'm not seeing anything.)
6.8.08
I feel like someone is burying me alive.
I feel like every hour another couple shovels full of dirt are thrown on top of me.
I am falling down.
I wish my financial situation wasn't affecting the way I feel.
I'm trying to continue to go to school, I'm trying to get another apartment secured, and I'm trying to breathe.
I dont have student loans for next semester. I can't get them without a cosigner.
I dont have an apartment for next semester. I can't get another apartment without a cosigner.
I got a second job and I have been working doubles almost every other day.
I also have a cold, which is restricting my lung capacity.
I have been eating tv dinners which make me want to throw up, i have general tso's knock off shit beside me and I've eaten 2 pieces and I'm worked up and can't eat anymore.
I'm seriously failing.
I'm going fucking crazy.
Can someone please help me?
headphones broke
broke ass bike
too much broke.
I feel like every hour another couple shovels full of dirt are thrown on top of me.
I am falling down.
I wish my financial situation wasn't affecting the way I feel.
I'm trying to continue to go to school, I'm trying to get another apartment secured, and I'm trying to breathe.
I dont have student loans for next semester. I can't get them without a cosigner.
I dont have an apartment for next semester. I can't get another apartment without a cosigner.
I got a second job and I have been working doubles almost every other day.
I also have a cold, which is restricting my lung capacity.
I have been eating tv dinners which make me want to throw up, i have general tso's knock off shit beside me and I've eaten 2 pieces and I'm worked up and can't eat anymore.
I'm seriously failing.
I'm going fucking crazy.
Can someone please help me?
headphones broke
broke ass bike
too much broke.
3.8.08
I don't really need to see,
so I don't need to see so i'll paint.
I don't know, i'll paint it black.
I don't know me and you don't know you,
so we fit so good together cause I knew you like I knew myself.
We clung on like barnacles on a boat,
eventhough the ship sinks you know you can't let go.
Saying, "Let me in, let me in. Please come out."
Black glass, dirt-based soap.
Tell yourself what you know.
My friends. Oh, my friends.
Bury your head. I'll help you bury your plans.
Hard hit, hard to miss. Problems are what a problem is.
In three song plays it was "Barnacles" - Ugly Casanova, "On the bus mall" - Decemberists, "You remind me of home" - Ben Gibbard.
It made me miss all of you.
so I don't need to see so i'll paint.
I don't know, i'll paint it black.
I don't know me and you don't know you,
so we fit so good together cause I knew you like I knew myself.
We clung on like barnacles on a boat,
eventhough the ship sinks you know you can't let go.
Saying, "Let me in, let me in. Please come out."
Black glass, dirt-based soap.
Tell yourself what you know.
My friends. Oh, my friends.
Bury your head. I'll help you bury your plans.
Hard hit, hard to miss. Problems are what a problem is.
In three song plays it was "Barnacles" - Ugly Casanova, "On the bus mall" - Decemberists, "You remind me of home" - Ben Gibbard.
It made me miss all of you.
19.7.08
charisma
we had yet to discover.
you and me faded...
i seem to have mostly bad luck. Most of what I own is broken (my heart inlcuded)
It's my own fault for putting myself on the line.
I should have known better and any other time I would have
"We all relocated and moved and replaced them.
new bodies and things now, still remind me.
Get away from the dining room and the bathroom,
where I cried."
I used to want to save the world, now all I want is to leave the world with a little dignity.
I can't read my memos right now. My irresponsibility is continuously getting the best of me.
Fakes are ruling my life and somehow now I'm an alcoholic.
I hitchhiked to work one day and I pass out mid sentences.
I'm a wreck.
Stop it.
My insides are yelling at me.
pitchfork.
you and me faded...
i seem to have mostly bad luck. Most of what I own is broken (my heart inlcuded)
It's my own fault for putting myself on the line.
I should have known better and any other time I would have
"We all relocated and moved and replaced them.
new bodies and things now, still remind me.
Get away from the dining room and the bathroom,
where I cried."
I used to want to save the world, now all I want is to leave the world with a little dignity.
I can't read my memos right now. My irresponsibility is continuously getting the best of me.
Fakes are ruling my life and somehow now I'm an alcoholic.
I hitchhiked to work one day and I pass out mid sentences.
I'm a wreck.
Stop it.
My insides are yelling at me.
pitchfork.
8.7.08
try to re-imagine me
Every time I listen to Cocorosie, i think of living in Columbia dorms.
The other day I caught a glimpse of Jackass, for some reason I could only feel my faith being restored. I don't know how to explain why.
"Occasionally, I want to breathe in the toxin that will shut off my receptors. The neurotransmitters will stop working right and my body will finally stop shaking. I will be able to breathe air like normal people do and enjoy the sky again. I remember when I wasn't like this. I remember when I thought I had the whole world at my fingertips. I remember when I was naive."
It won't be like that.
Today a lady left her umbrella on the train. I felt so bad because it was a nice umbrella. The lady matched, tiger print blazer, black pants, tiger print purse and black shoes. Her umbrella was tiger print as well. She was confused on how to transfer to the red line because the south bound was running elevated. I helped her but then watched her walk away. The second the doors closed I saw she had left her umbrella on the seat. I wanted to get off and go back and give it to her but I knew I'd miss her. I didn't know which way she was going on the red line. At the next stop, a bum walked up to the umbrella, must have mistaken it for a bag, tried to open it and then threw it on the ground. It made me really sad. That lady probably got really excited about buying that umbrella, and he just threw it to the ground. I didn't need the umbrella, so I left it there. I wonder how disappointed she was when she realized she left it.
(I need to stop feeling everyone else's pain.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
I sleep too late and stay up til the wee hours of the morning.
I need to fix my schedule.
Thank god for Logan Sq.
[via. chicago]
Went to a hawaiian grill with a friend tonight
I was rather impressed with their food quality.
95% positive I have a broken bone in my foot.
Need to go to doctor.
Need to buy groceries.
Need to clean room.
Need to do laundry.
********I am just a man, still learning how to fall**
The other day I caught a glimpse of Jackass, for some reason I could only feel my faith being restored. I don't know how to explain why.
"Occasionally, I want to breathe in the toxin that will shut off my receptors. The neurotransmitters will stop working right and my body will finally stop shaking. I will be able to breathe air like normal people do and enjoy the sky again. I remember when I wasn't like this. I remember when I thought I had the whole world at my fingertips. I remember when I was naive."
It won't be like that.
Today a lady left her umbrella on the train. I felt so bad because it was a nice umbrella. The lady matched, tiger print blazer, black pants, tiger print purse and black shoes. Her umbrella was tiger print as well. She was confused on how to transfer to the red line because the south bound was running elevated. I helped her but then watched her walk away. The second the doors closed I saw she had left her umbrella on the seat. I wanted to get off and go back and give it to her but I knew I'd miss her. I didn't know which way she was going on the red line. At the next stop, a bum walked up to the umbrella, must have mistaken it for a bag, tried to open it and then threw it on the ground. It made me really sad. That lady probably got really excited about buying that umbrella, and he just threw it to the ground. I didn't need the umbrella, so I left it there. I wonder how disappointed she was when she realized she left it.
(I need to stop feeling everyone else's pain.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
Focus. Focus. Focus.
I sleep too late and stay up til the wee hours of the morning.
I need to fix my schedule.
Thank god for Logan Sq.
[via. chicago]
Went to a hawaiian grill with a friend tonight
I was rather impressed with their food quality.
95% positive I have a broken bone in my foot.
Need to go to doctor.
Need to buy groceries.
Need to clean room.
Need to do laundry.
********I am just a man, still learning how to fall**
28.6.08
So after being here for almost a month, I like it. I like it a lot. It's what I need. it's tough, but anymore, what isn't?
The other day I was desperate for a little swimming and since Lake Michigan is ungodly cold until at least August, I decided to do some pool research. Luckily, the red eye did this edition of all the free public pools in chicago that are all maintained by the chicago park district. I was going to venture to the one in Humboldt Park because I live a few blocks north, and it has a slide! When I got there, I saw signs for a beach and decided to follow them. Caution to the fellow females: the "gentlemen" that hang here are all fucking scumbags, just get to the beach and you'll be fine. I wish I knew Spanish so I could at least retort. So I get to the park field house and see signs for a swimming lagoon. This sounds interesting, so I walk down this tiny path and see all these kids swimming in this big lagoon. This place is so rad. It has a beach and an ice cream man that comes around like twice every hour. His ice cream is only a dollar and it's really not to sketch once you are down there. it's my new favorite place in the city. However, myself and a friend did get offered two budweisers wrapped in napkins by two mexican fellows who were wading in the water near us. We declined and instead the man asked my friend for a cigarette and tried to pay her a dollar, so she gave him two. The water temperature isn't exactly what I'd call warm, it's a decent sized lagoon, but if I just jump in everytime, balls to the wall, it doesn't take long to get adjusted.
Other news, my bike has a flat tire. Bummer.
It just needs a new tube. I have one, but haven't gotten around to doing it.
casiotone for the painfully alone tomorrow. again. BAM fest.
The other day I was desperate for a little swimming and since Lake Michigan is ungodly cold until at least August, I decided to do some pool research. Luckily, the red eye did this edition of all the free public pools in chicago that are all maintained by the chicago park district. I was going to venture to the one in Humboldt Park because I live a few blocks north, and it has a slide! When I got there, I saw signs for a beach and decided to follow them. Caution to the fellow females: the "gentlemen" that hang here are all fucking scumbags, just get to the beach and you'll be fine. I wish I knew Spanish so I could at least retort. So I get to the park field house and see signs for a swimming lagoon. This sounds interesting, so I walk down this tiny path and see all these kids swimming in this big lagoon. This place is so rad. It has a beach and an ice cream man that comes around like twice every hour. His ice cream is only a dollar and it's really not to sketch once you are down there. it's my new favorite place in the city. However, myself and a friend did get offered two budweisers wrapped in napkins by two mexican fellows who were wading in the water near us. We declined and instead the man asked my friend for a cigarette and tried to pay her a dollar, so she gave him two. The water temperature isn't exactly what I'd call warm, it's a decent sized lagoon, but if I just jump in everytime, balls to the wall, it doesn't take long to get adjusted.
Other news, my bike has a flat tire. Bummer.
It just needs a new tube. I have one, but haven't gotten around to doing it.
casiotone for the painfully alone tomorrow. again. BAM fest.
21.6.08
Weird vibes are my life, it's hard being a human
being surrounded by yogurt flowers
It's like my ipod always knows exactly how I feel and all it's doing is feeding into it.
On my father's birthday, i choked on a piece of chocolate.
Straight choked. I've never been more scared.
I was driving down the road at 3:45am and all i could do was scream,
if that's what she needs let her have it!
being surrounded by yogurt flowers
It's like my ipod always knows exactly how I feel and all it's doing is feeding into it.
On my father's birthday, i choked on a piece of chocolate.
Straight choked. I've never been more scared.
I was driving down the road at 3:45am and all i could do was scream,
if that's what she needs let her have it!
14.6.08
someone tell me this is only temporary
when I used to ride the bus to school in junior high, i used to listen to bjork's joga. I would sit as still as possible and sometimes I could make it feel like I was detached from my body. I wouldn't be able to feel my arms or legs when I was just sitting there. I fucking hated Pennsylvania man. That's all I used to think about.
I'm so far in debt. I owe way too much money to too many different places. I haven't been getting adequate sleep at night. I lie there and toss and turn and finally doze off for a bit, my alarm goes off, i stumble around until I have to leave. Then I get on my bike and pedal the 25 minute ride. The only benefit I see is I finally have some color to my typically ghost-like complexion. I will come home and think about the fact that I'm broke and then lay down and listen to music. I will close my eyes while I lie there and finally fall asleep. So far this summer has been unsuccessful. I've only been back a week and a half. It seems that summer just means working more hours a week.
A plethora of shitty things have already happened:
- freeze on my checking acct cause of no activity in 45 days
-rent check late due to frozen acct
-dropped phone in toilet. sober.
-got stuck in rain biking on the way to work... two days in a row.
-small ants are uniting and taking over my apartment
-outta mountain dew
-my parents were an hour late picking me up at the bus station, wouldn't have been bad if it wasn't 2am in cleveland
- $111.05 due to bank by June 23rd
someone make something go right, please???
"I'm fifteen years old and I feel it's already too late to live, don't you?"
edit: i severely miss my old bedroom.
I'm so far in debt. I owe way too much money to too many different places. I haven't been getting adequate sleep at night. I lie there and toss and turn and finally doze off for a bit, my alarm goes off, i stumble around until I have to leave. Then I get on my bike and pedal the 25 minute ride. The only benefit I see is I finally have some color to my typically ghost-like complexion. I will come home and think about the fact that I'm broke and then lay down and listen to music. I will close my eyes while I lie there and finally fall asleep. So far this summer has been unsuccessful. I've only been back a week and a half. It seems that summer just means working more hours a week.
A plethora of shitty things have already happened:
- freeze on my checking acct cause of no activity in 45 days
-rent check late due to frozen acct
-dropped phone in toilet. sober.
-got stuck in rain biking on the way to work... two days in a row.
-small ants are uniting and taking over my apartment
-outta mountain dew
-my parents were an hour late picking me up at the bus station, wouldn't have been bad if it wasn't 2am in cleveland
- $111.05 due to bank by June 23rd
someone make something go right, please???
"I'm fifteen years old and I feel it's already too late to live, don't you?"
edit: i severely miss my old bedroom.
28.5.08
I have thought an awful lot lately.
Today I thought of all the possibilities.
Man, today I saw an old friend of mine. It's been so long.
That entire piece of my life is something I often forget about.
I thought about love through a postage stamp.
It should mean something.
I wonder a lot about if you wonder too.
I wander a lot and wonder if you wander too.
I actually already know the truth.
I think that's why I can maintain my balance.
It got really tricky for a bit.
I felt like such an accident.
I felt like I shouldn't ever act that way.
I'd spend days in retail,
wondering what a fool I made of myself.
Finally I'd get a few, look and realize it was far worst than I had expected.
I always felt like such a let down.
I know I'm such a fool
for letting you control my feelings
in such a place with so many unexplored boundaries.
maybe i'm not the fool, after all.
I am pushing myself to my limits
i didn't do that yet
i'm learning and i'm yearning
you're waning on me.
Today I thought of all the possibilities.
Man, today I saw an old friend of mine. It's been so long.
That entire piece of my life is something I often forget about.
I thought about love through a postage stamp.
It should mean something.
I wonder a lot about if you wonder too.
I wander a lot and wonder if you wander too.
I actually already know the truth.
I think that's why I can maintain my balance.
It got really tricky for a bit.
I felt like such an accident.
I felt like I shouldn't ever act that way.
I'd spend days in retail,
wondering what a fool I made of myself.
Finally I'd get a few, look and realize it was far worst than I had expected.
I always felt like such a let down.
I know I'm such a fool
for letting you control my feelings
in such a place with so many unexplored boundaries.
maybe i'm not the fool, after all.
I am pushing myself to my limits
i didn't do that yet
i'm learning and i'm yearning
you're waning on me.
14.5.08
today i went on a walk in the park during my lunch break at work
during that lunch break, i thought it might be the apocalypse
it turns out it wasn't and i continued to watch a momma duck lead her babies into the water
as i did this, this is what i wrote:
"All of these geese conversations under a cottage cheese sky. I'm seconds from being bombarded.
There are people all around me, all with much more ambition than me.
I might get blown away"
I'm living with drennen in a few weeks. HIGH FIVES TO HAVING A DOG!! (and a record collection that puts yours to shame)
during that lunch break, i thought it might be the apocalypse
it turns out it wasn't and i continued to watch a momma duck lead her babies into the water
as i did this, this is what i wrote:
"All of these geese conversations under a cottage cheese sky. I'm seconds from being bombarded.
There are people all around me, all with much more ambition than me.
I might get blown away"
I'm living with drennen in a few weeks. HIGH FIVES TO HAVING A DOG!! (and a record collection that puts yours to shame)
9.5.08
while i was on the bus I thought about that day. I had gotten on the bus to go to work and I made a deal with myself. I would call you and if you answered I would stop on my way home and surprise you with some chocolate covered fruit shit or something of the like. Just as a reminder that I cared because things didn't feel right. I remembered how you didn't answer the phone when i called, not just that day, but the entire weekend. Failed attempt at feelings.
8.5.08
v.1.5.3.
When you are a kid you have this really fucked up idea of what your parents really are.
you don't understand that they aren't super humans.
I thought about that a lot today while I was in the elevator.
The arrangement of the seating helps me to understand.
I want to pull the strings.
Help me hide please!
This is the primary reason I need a ghost costume.
This is a life gathering event.
We are apes that understand texting.
I want to stick my head in a hole and become an ostrich.
But i don't know much about being an ostrich.
I know this isn't how you are supposed to feel.
Coin were falling from me in all directions!
Are my needs really that extreme?
"this is america, not no nicaragua"
Direct quote that I don't want to forget:
"It's like a banana when it turns ripe, it's the right time.
Right now is the right time.
All these bananas and they are turning yellow!"
stitch and thread with no down payment.
I saw CTFPA with marissa. It was owen's birthday so it was extra cool.
I saw Cut Copy tonight by myself.
Cool. Bye
you don't understand that they aren't super humans.
I thought about that a lot today while I was in the elevator.
The arrangement of the seating helps me to understand.
I want to pull the strings.
Help me hide please!
This is the primary reason I need a ghost costume.
This is a life gathering event.
We are apes that understand texting.
I want to stick my head in a hole and become an ostrich.
But i don't know much about being an ostrich.
I know this isn't how you are supposed to feel.
Coin were falling from me in all directions!
Are my needs really that extreme?
"this is america, not no nicaragua"
Direct quote that I don't want to forget:
"It's like a banana when it turns ripe, it's the right time.
Right now is the right time.
All these bananas and they are turning yellow!"
stitch and thread with no down payment.
I saw CTFPA with marissa. It was owen's birthday so it was extra cool.
I saw Cut Copy tonight by myself.
Cool. Bye
3.4.08
people don't live in place, they live in space
and
I know what folded pages means
I know it's got nothing to do with some girl on an east coast highway
no fingernails left
serious doubts popped up
i realized my favorite band had already broken up
i tighten my fist everytime we dive into the other path
i couldn't turn your autopilot off for the life of me
i didn't want to reach my hand to the corner of my eye
i had never seen my fingers so small
the yellow displaced the safety in numbers
familiar sets of letters bring negative connotations
this reminds me of sitting on the marble steps in front of Linda Lucas Dance Studio.
hoping a stop in sharpsville was on someone's to do list.
ipods flood the seats
they are partial to the way you speak
what a wonderful day for the other side of the bus
and
I know what folded pages means
I know it's got nothing to do with some girl on an east coast highway
no fingernails left
serious doubts popped up
i realized my favorite band had already broken up
i tighten my fist everytime we dive into the other path
i couldn't turn your autopilot off for the life of me
i didn't want to reach my hand to the corner of my eye
i had never seen my fingers so small
the yellow displaced the safety in numbers
familiar sets of letters bring negative connotations
this reminds me of sitting on the marble steps in front of Linda Lucas Dance Studio.
hoping a stop in sharpsville was on someone's to do list.
ipods flood the seats
they are partial to the way you speak
what a wonderful day for the other side of the bus
20.3.08
heart failure
as the moon waxed,
it watched the road
unfold under its glow
and the glow of headlights.
every so often the speed limit sighed "65" and
we nodded politely as the needle pricked 80
and every state was pennsylvania, was ours
it watched the road
unfold under its glow
and the glow of headlights.
every so often the speed limit sighed "65" and
we nodded politely as the needle pricked 80
and every state was pennsylvania, was ours
hypotheses
I'm standing on my
tiptoes trying to reach
your state of mind
and I'm seeing it quite
difficult, (without a map)
to find.
there are signs that
point me in the wrong
direction, like down instead of
up, I say my soles are worn
through and I'm barely anywhere
but where I was where
I began, has paved
its roads and become refined
but I know enough to know enough
and this skyline cannot fool me
I'm nowhere near your level.
tiptoes trying to reach
your state of mind
and I'm seeing it quite
difficult, (without a map)
to find.
there are signs that
point me in the wrong
direction, like down instead of
up, I say my soles are worn
through and I'm barely anywhere
but where I was where
I began, has paved
its roads and become refined
but I know enough to know enough
and this skyline cannot fool me
I'm nowhere near your level.
street wise
This day had gone to shit with that drip
soiled water soaked the shell
soggy reminders of why your mother doesn't believe in things like that.
Why do I keep looking down? Why do I save one for you every time?
just in case.
Why is this left unfilled? Why am I still fucking waiting?
I told you not to bother to...
I stayed up all night and sat straight up as bedtime passed.
I'm embarassed by how quick the red flash made my heart skip a beat.
this is the end of transmission.
why do I always run down the hallway when there is no one watching?
soiled water soaked the shell
soggy reminders of why your mother doesn't believe in things like that.
Why do I keep looking down? Why do I save one for you every time?
just in case.
Why is this left unfilled? Why am I still fucking waiting?
I told you not to bother to...
I stayed up all night and sat straight up as bedtime passed.
I'm embarassed by how quick the red flash made my heart skip a beat.
this is the end of transmission.
why do I always run down the hallway when there is no one watching?
19.3.08
dumb narrative
I can remember the first time he took me there; it was in April of 2005. I had been to that park countless times and never explored farther than the trails provided for our enjoyment. When my best friend told me to drive down the path that read “Breakneck Bridge,” I started to wonder, “Where in the hell is he taking me?” We parked the car and stepped outside; it was so warm for April. I stretched my legs as I got out of the car and took in a breath of fresh Pennsylvania air, I was ready for any adventure in front of me. We started walking towards the guardrail and as I peered over, my gut felt empty again. Maybe not. Jeff must have noticed the look on my face because he smiled and quickly added in, “Trust me, its not that bad and it’ll be worth it when we get there.” We had been friends since fourth grade; he was the only boy that hadn’t let me down. I’d never admit it to him but I always trusted him.
The first part of the path appears to be almost straight down. I look down and notice the trees that lined the path had been broken away by other hikers at an earlier time. I wonder if they were as scared as me? As I crawl down the hillside, holding onto only tree roots (please don’t break, please don’t break) I wonder who first knew to come here? Once we clear the tree roots, we walked towards another hillside, this time the dirt looks loose and I’m wondering how my flip-flops will react. I can’t help but notice that at the end of the downhill slide, there is a cliff waiting. I bite my tongue and take off down the hill. To my surprise, it wasn’t as tough as I had expected. I could feel the dirt between my toes turning to mud as my feet made it obvious I was nervous. No worries now, we were at a plateau. I hadn’t noticed before but the sound of the water was getting much closer. It’s amazing how fear takes a hold of you with such a tight grip you forget what is around you. We continued to walk towards a large boulder when I looked up. There were rocks reaching for what seemed like miles all around us. Where did this come from and why didn’t you tell me to bring a camera? He explained that this wasn’t what he brought me to see and it still gets better. How could that be? The rocks were formed so naturally around the landing at the bottom of the hill, as if Mother Nature gave strict instructions to the weathering. Every shade of grey and brown you could ever imagine was above me, stacked in layers. We started walking towards the thunderclaps of the water. Down a boulder, up a boulder, slide between some rocks and most of all: don’t slip. As we walked around the last boulder I can feel the moisture so heavy in the air I know we have to be close. Jeff took a step up onto a rock and gave me his hand. I stepped up and realized I was standing next to a waterfall. Jeff hunched down and crawled across the rocks as the water splashed his back. I followed him behind the waterfall to the other side. I took a seat beside him. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. How can something like this even exist in this town?
At the time, I was scared I’d fall into oblivion and no one would be able to find me. What I really got from going along with my best friend was an oasis. As the days and weeks passed, as long as Mother Nature held up her end of the bargain, I’d be at Breakneck Falls. Its distance from my driveway is exactly 44.7 miles or the perfect amount of songs to shuffle through on my Ipod. The corner convenience store ate so many dollars from my pockets. Iced tea was always essential for the trip. Every time I walked down the hill it got easier and easier. The temperature always dropped the closer you got to the water and some days that’s the reason I enjoyed it so much.
When I first started going, I’d always invite along a companion. I loved to take people there. When Jeff showed me that waterfall my life as it was before, was never the same again. The water’s tranquility before it exploded down the rocks was my favorite part. I felt like that water, smoothly flowing along but just waiting to crash. You could always tell how much it had rained lately by the roar of the water splashing. The dampness from the rocks always felt cool against my legs, as I’d peer out over the ledge. I remember always feeling guilty for smoking cigarettes there. Where do you throw the butt when you are surrounded by beauty? Thank god I quit.
I started going to the falls alone more often as I got older. Senior year of high school approached and it was pretty apparent that things were going to change soon.
Jeff’s family had always talked about moving south and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I’d stop by anytime I had a minute and some extra fuel. I started getting so scared my last couple days in town, just like I was the first day Jeff had brought me there. Everything I knew would be so far away soon. I didn’t realize what I was leaving when I moved to Chicago. Those last two months in Pennsylvania have such a stale aftertaste. I knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted, so I continued to take trips down that interstate. I still feel most alive when I am near a body of water and I am still convinced that Breakneck Falls is the only place that I can go that can clear my mind.
The rolling green hillsides and trees for miles that I once couldn’t wait to get rid of are now what I look forward to seeing the most. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Jeff’s family moved to South Carolina in October and sometimes I still feel empty. I still show up at home for a weekend here and there and disappear for a few hours. The falls are the same as they always have been, water levels are high this time of the year. Every time I go there now, I remember that day we pulled in and Jeff told me to park my car in the turn around. I thought he was crazy, but I know now he’s still the only boy I trust.
The first part of the path appears to be almost straight down. I look down and notice the trees that lined the path had been broken away by other hikers at an earlier time. I wonder if they were as scared as me? As I crawl down the hillside, holding onto only tree roots (please don’t break, please don’t break) I wonder who first knew to come here? Once we clear the tree roots, we walked towards another hillside, this time the dirt looks loose and I’m wondering how my flip-flops will react. I can’t help but notice that at the end of the downhill slide, there is a cliff waiting. I bite my tongue and take off down the hill. To my surprise, it wasn’t as tough as I had expected. I could feel the dirt between my toes turning to mud as my feet made it obvious I was nervous. No worries now, we were at a plateau. I hadn’t noticed before but the sound of the water was getting much closer. It’s amazing how fear takes a hold of you with such a tight grip you forget what is around you. We continued to walk towards a large boulder when I looked up. There were rocks reaching for what seemed like miles all around us. Where did this come from and why didn’t you tell me to bring a camera? He explained that this wasn’t what he brought me to see and it still gets better. How could that be? The rocks were formed so naturally around the landing at the bottom of the hill, as if Mother Nature gave strict instructions to the weathering. Every shade of grey and brown you could ever imagine was above me, stacked in layers. We started walking towards the thunderclaps of the water. Down a boulder, up a boulder, slide between some rocks and most of all: don’t slip. As we walked around the last boulder I can feel the moisture so heavy in the air I know we have to be close. Jeff took a step up onto a rock and gave me his hand. I stepped up and realized I was standing next to a waterfall. Jeff hunched down and crawled across the rocks as the water splashed his back. I followed him behind the waterfall to the other side. I took a seat beside him. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. How can something like this even exist in this town?
At the time, I was scared I’d fall into oblivion and no one would be able to find me. What I really got from going along with my best friend was an oasis. As the days and weeks passed, as long as Mother Nature held up her end of the bargain, I’d be at Breakneck Falls. Its distance from my driveway is exactly 44.7 miles or the perfect amount of songs to shuffle through on my Ipod. The corner convenience store ate so many dollars from my pockets. Iced tea was always essential for the trip. Every time I walked down the hill it got easier and easier. The temperature always dropped the closer you got to the water and some days that’s the reason I enjoyed it so much.
When I first started going, I’d always invite along a companion. I loved to take people there. When Jeff showed me that waterfall my life as it was before, was never the same again. The water’s tranquility before it exploded down the rocks was my favorite part. I felt like that water, smoothly flowing along but just waiting to crash. You could always tell how much it had rained lately by the roar of the water splashing. The dampness from the rocks always felt cool against my legs, as I’d peer out over the ledge. I remember always feeling guilty for smoking cigarettes there. Where do you throw the butt when you are surrounded by beauty? Thank god I quit.
I started going to the falls alone more often as I got older. Senior year of high school approached and it was pretty apparent that things were going to change soon.
Jeff’s family had always talked about moving south and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I’d stop by anytime I had a minute and some extra fuel. I started getting so scared my last couple days in town, just like I was the first day Jeff had brought me there. Everything I knew would be so far away soon. I didn’t realize what I was leaving when I moved to Chicago. Those last two months in Pennsylvania have such a stale aftertaste. I knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted, so I continued to take trips down that interstate. I still feel most alive when I am near a body of water and I am still convinced that Breakneck Falls is the only place that I can go that can clear my mind.
The rolling green hillsides and trees for miles that I once couldn’t wait to get rid of are now what I look forward to seeing the most. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Jeff’s family moved to South Carolina in October and sometimes I still feel empty. I still show up at home for a weekend here and there and disappear for a few hours. The falls are the same as they always have been, water levels are high this time of the year. Every time I go there now, I remember that day we pulled in and Jeff told me to park my car in the turn around. I thought he was crazy, but I know now he’s still the only boy I trust.
grapevine
is it possible to feel like both heaven and hell at the same time?
Why does the roof of my mouth hurt everytime I swallow?
i hate it when i have dirty fingernails.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE!
yes.
So this is to tracks, and loving and hating in more ways than 35.
WAIT! I get it now
that's why you're
bored well let me just walk on this
balance beam okay?
We'll take care of it.
when the plastic slides across the table, I exploded already.
we don't want to meet anyone else ever.
I stomped this out.
Please don't let that be the last nerve, you had better adjust your insides.
You feel robbed! Had you explained
that marker is out of sight and my teeth keep pressing harder down on my lip.
why does that fucking thing keep doing that? (not my teeth)
Don't allow section 1 to provide the text.
Generation is no longer here. It never fits. I always tie the ends to fix it.
They only giggle...
Why does the roof of my mouth hurt everytime I swallow?
i hate it when i have dirty fingernails.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE!
yes.
So this is to tracks, and loving and hating in more ways than 35.
WAIT! I get it now
that's why you're
bored well let me just walk on this
balance beam okay?
We'll take care of it.
when the plastic slides across the table, I exploded already.
we don't want to meet anyone else ever.
I stomped this out.
Please don't let that be the last nerve, you had better adjust your insides.
You feel robbed! Had you explained
that marker is out of sight and my teeth keep pressing harder down on my lip.
why does that fucking thing keep doing that? (not my teeth)
Don't allow section 1 to provide the text.
Generation is no longer here. It never fits. I always tie the ends to fix it.
They only giggle...
13.3.08
the sun was shining upon the vast expanse of land
the birds went on
chirping, the phone rang
i did not pick it up
by myself in my home
empty parking lots stare back and laugh 'cause
they know they are less lonely
I let the machine answer the phone
you said, "call me."
hung up so suddenly as if you knew
I was searching for the phone
in clothing three days too old
reaking of orange juice and stale cigarettes
empty parking lots stare back and laugh
in a miracle that is love, i am
lost
i haven't shaved nor showered since that day
sat alone staring at ticket stubs and
pressed flowers I had saved.
I picked flowers again that day
I sleep in late, hoping you will have called by the time I awake.
and you will probably see me on the street
soon as the landlord realizes that the last two months rent hasn't come
empty parking lots state back and laugh
take a picture, it will last longer than me...
(disclaimer: i think i wrote this when i was 16. don't judge)
the birds went on
chirping, the phone rang
i did not pick it up
by myself in my home
empty parking lots stare back and laugh 'cause
they know they are less lonely
I let the machine answer the phone
you said, "call me."
hung up so suddenly as if you knew
I was searching for the phone
in clothing three days too old
reaking of orange juice and stale cigarettes
empty parking lots stare back and laugh
in a miracle that is love, i am
lost
i haven't shaved nor showered since that day
sat alone staring at ticket stubs and
pressed flowers I had saved.
I picked flowers again that day
I sleep in late, hoping you will have called by the time I awake.
and you will probably see me on the street
soon as the landlord realizes that the last two months rent hasn't come
empty parking lots state back and laugh
take a picture, it will last longer than me...
(disclaimer: i think i wrote this when i was 16. don't judge)
dirty feet girls
--
what once was
is still being endured.
__
please.
--
no more mouthing of words to failed lip readers
we will plot our occupancy in lover's brains
and fill in our silence
before thoughts reach their expiration dates
unlike canned thoughts or frozen thoughts
poorly planned meals we put to trash right along with our anger
(ha! how silly it feels to long for anger)
this will be communication chaos
a phone tap
without fear of jailtime
__
it is written that we will go down as screaming jezebels
estrogren temper tantrums gone beautifully wild
bursting our cartoon balloon hearts if it must be so
__
ignorance, Honey...
well, we never could understand a thing like that.
__
I don't see things getting any easier as we get smarter.
__
Next stop... failed feminism.
what once was
is still being endured.
__
please.
--
no more mouthing of words to failed lip readers
we will plot our occupancy in lover's brains
and fill in our silence
before thoughts reach their expiration dates
unlike canned thoughts or frozen thoughts
poorly planned meals we put to trash right along with our anger
(ha! how silly it feels to long for anger)
this will be communication chaos
a phone tap
without fear of jailtime
__
it is written that we will go down as screaming jezebels
estrogren temper tantrums gone beautifully wild
bursting our cartoon balloon hearts if it must be so
__
ignorance, Honey...
well, we never could understand a thing like that.
__
I don't see things getting any easier as we get smarter.
__
Next stop... failed feminism.
12.3.08
Loose ends
I'm losing it, it's slipping away
away from my grasp with all these chemicals
the medicated numb I am no higher than the cliff I dove from
I'm so proud my spine stands twelve feet tall
each supple nerve wrapped even tighter around than the last
One smooth operator
suave upper vertebrae and shit's still oozing from my brain
No one pats my back anymore
No one pats my back and when they do
I turn ill and want to drown them in my guts
I should've felt some sick sense of self-fulfillment
yet my spine weakens and snaps
all twelve feet tall fall to a heap on this tile
it's cold and not receiving well or with
much politeness at all
I just entered and ultimately cleared a room
I just ate every last strawberry, I wasn't even hungry
Still, I hope someone catches a seed that I blow from the crack of my teeth
I hope it lands on their lip and embeds itself
in a pore until fertilized by vitamin enriched words and
chicken soup for the teenage fucking soul
A tiny door opens and a fox slips in
hope he doesn't fall through the cracks
what's the cream cheese on my bagel? what flavor, if any at all?
Am I that kind of a girl? Do I dream like the king?
with every possible fruit provided, can your fruit salad still be sweet?
everyone knows it's the lemon that preserves this salad
without you the sweet treats of the others go brown and rot
I cannot believe that I have resorted to writing to no one listening.
I talk to no one that reads
I just re-read the first line and it's not promising
Do you ever wish the interior matched the exterior
why can't we teach everyone how to behave with a spoonful of peanut butter
we can make a two-legged dog dance.
Has anyone ever cracked open an egg that has accidentally been fertilized?
If you have to leave a loved one behind on your travels or adventures
your thoughts will turn repeatedly to the small gestures that make your
relationship different from any other you've ever had before.
I blame everyone around me
point that goddamned finger condemning all that stand around me
the second I escape, I begin to see it's still there.
away from my grasp with all these chemicals
the medicated numb I am no higher than the cliff I dove from
I'm so proud my spine stands twelve feet tall
each supple nerve wrapped even tighter around than the last
One smooth operator
suave upper vertebrae and shit's still oozing from my brain
No one pats my back anymore
No one pats my back and when they do
I turn ill and want to drown them in my guts
I should've felt some sick sense of self-fulfillment
yet my spine weakens and snaps
all twelve feet tall fall to a heap on this tile
it's cold and not receiving well or with
much politeness at all
I just entered and ultimately cleared a room
I just ate every last strawberry, I wasn't even hungry
Still, I hope someone catches a seed that I blow from the crack of my teeth
I hope it lands on their lip and embeds itself
in a pore until fertilized by vitamin enriched words and
chicken soup for the teenage fucking soul
A tiny door opens and a fox slips in
hope he doesn't fall through the cracks
what's the cream cheese on my bagel? what flavor, if any at all?
Am I that kind of a girl? Do I dream like the king?
with every possible fruit provided, can your fruit salad still be sweet?
everyone knows it's the lemon that preserves this salad
without you the sweet treats of the others go brown and rot
I cannot believe that I have resorted to writing to no one listening.
I talk to no one that reads
I just re-read the first line and it's not promising
Do you ever wish the interior matched the exterior
why can't we teach everyone how to behave with a spoonful of peanut butter
we can make a two-legged dog dance.
Has anyone ever cracked open an egg that has accidentally been fertilized?
If you have to leave a loved one behind on your travels or adventures
your thoughts will turn repeatedly to the small gestures that make your
relationship different from any other you've ever had before.
I blame everyone around me
point that goddamned finger condemning all that stand around me
the second I escape, I begin to see it's still there.
I am afraid of semis
Words on paper are here for what?
Oh, how I miss you in that crowded room.
My fingers pressed the buttons.
I'll cut you into pieces
and steal just one
to stuff crumbled in these pockets
where my hands hide deep
I'll play with the worn out edges
while you pass me on the street
when all we have to give is awkward smiles
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop
don't worry darling, I won't stop
(telling myself... don't look back, don't look back)
Feeling guilty for stealing a glance
like myself as I knew it was no longer
and I couldn't bear to sing along anymore
frankly,
I am not longer fond of the tune.
Mind over matter
What a lie to everyone that ever felt
the slightest impulse to hold on
even if you were a lie
walking down the street
silently breaking something that belongs to me
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop.
don't worry darling, I won't stop this time
(telling myself... look down, look down, look down)
Oh, how I miss you in that crowded room.
My fingers pressed the buttons.
I'll cut you into pieces
and steal just one
to stuff crumbled in these pockets
where my hands hide deep
I'll play with the worn out edges
while you pass me on the street
when all we have to give is awkward smiles
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop
don't worry darling, I won't stop
(telling myself... don't look back, don't look back)
Feeling guilty for stealing a glance
like myself as I knew it was no longer
and I couldn't bear to sing along anymore
frankly,
I am not longer fond of the tune.
Mind over matter
What a lie to everyone that ever felt
the slightest impulse to hold on
even if you were a lie
walking down the street
silently breaking something that belongs to me
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop.
don't worry darling, I won't stop this time
(telling myself... look down, look down, look down)
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