When your lips touched the surface of mine
Sometimes the smoke would slowly crawl from
the corners of your mouth. What an exciting way to kiss
somebody, or to be kissed! We always tried to make the
most of those twenty dollar bills and the limited amount
of heat from the floor vents.
I can't keep clearing them out.
I know it's unacceptable but I'm accepting it.
I could have used that sixty dollars.
Maybe they just don't understand how bad this really is?
Maybe no one does?
I can't talk about it, I'd rather question if this is really happening.
I haven't thought about it in complete.
I've resorted to living this out and not worrying about whatever is to come.
Credit. What does that mean?
I can't pretend that I care with the state of our current system.
it's not working, we all know better.
He was neurotic. I can't blame him.
I'm neurotic. This is crazy. Sometimes I start to feel like I might honestly be able to comprehend this state we're in. Then, I'm smack down to the ice. Or the floor, whichever comes first. I hope you love this. I really hope it's everything you've ever wanted or dreamed of. I'm sort of dying. I'm sort of dying and have been since the day I was born. that's the problem. I've always been on the edge of the surface. i know the edge today. I've never felt so strong about the situation. My dad understand, he hated it. He knew he had to understand or that was the end. It could possibly be too late already. Know one can really ever know.
Why are you always laughing? everyone know it's not really funny.
It wouldn't be funny. Without you? Maybe.
25.12.08
23.12.08
people are so funny
so today, i'm minding my business and my mom and dad's good friend (who is currently living with us) comes home drunk.
He walks upstairs to where I am sitting and says, "So, I know your mind is probably fucked up cause you're bored."
I looked at him and replied, "Nah, I'm straight. I've been sitting at home all night.. nothing too exciting."
He unzips his pocket and pulls out something metal. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you want to hit this?"
I turned him down.
BUMMER. can I invent a time machine that throws me back ten minutes ago?
He walks upstairs to where I am sitting and says, "So, I know your mind is probably fucked up cause you're bored."
I looked at him and replied, "Nah, I'm straight. I've been sitting at home all night.. nothing too exciting."
He unzips his pocket and pulls out something metal. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you want to hit this?"
I turned him down.
BUMMER. can I invent a time machine that throws me back ten minutes ago?
18.12.08
9.12.08
the truth is, I miss you.
There was a day when I used to get what I deserved.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.
The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.
Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.
Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."
it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.
Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.
One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.
i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.
The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.
Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.
Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."
it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.
Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.
One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.
i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.
I've got a bottle of Clairol Volume 20 developer and a knife that says, "What's up?"
dayum.
mother nature just released her wrath upon chicago
and of course, it's the day I forget my keys to my house.
So... I had to stand outside for about an hour and 45 minutes, waiting for a cab to pick me up and take me to Starbucks to borrow Jovanni's keys.
Ugh, 10 dollar mistake. 10 dollars or frostbite. Part of me thinks frostbite is more worth it.
I forgot how much I enjoy Rainer Maria.
Slam to the back of your head, you've never been here before.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Slam to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Make amends, let's make amends.
What makes a man?
I'm being passive agressive but I can't deal with the sound of their feet.
Speaking of feet, mine feel soggy.
I just got the sensation that everything was a good idea. Are what you living what you feel?
Are you aware of the hole you've dug? Where are your priorities?
mother nature just released her wrath upon chicago
and of course, it's the day I forget my keys to my house.
So... I had to stand outside for about an hour and 45 minutes, waiting for a cab to pick me up and take me to Starbucks to borrow Jovanni's keys.
Ugh, 10 dollar mistake. 10 dollars or frostbite. Part of me thinks frostbite is more worth it.
I forgot how much I enjoy Rainer Maria.
Slam to the back of your head, you've never been here before.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Slam to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor.
How can you deal with that kind of information?
Make amends, let's make amends.
What makes a man?
I'm being passive agressive but I can't deal with the sound of their feet.
Speaking of feet, mine feel soggy.
I just got the sensation that everything was a good idea. Are what you living what you feel?
Are you aware of the hole you've dug? Where are your priorities?
8.12.08
This is going to be a Smith's kind of winter.
At worse you'll be left so admirably.
You can't figure out what you're missing,
and you're twenty-two minutes late according to their clocks.
Constant petitioning for a thought from the other end. Please, don’t drown me.
This wave of emotion is set to cripple and I'm fragile at my seams.
"Can't go with my heart, when I can't feel what's in it. I thought you'd come over, but for some reason you didn't. Glass on the pavement under my shoe. Without you is all my life amounts to."
You are leaving a trail of sparks and I'm carrying enough gasoline to burn this whole city down.
Let it slip away at the shoreline. Let me slip away at the shoreline.
He was neurotic anyways.
You can't figure out what you're missing,
and you're twenty-two minutes late according to their clocks.
Constant petitioning for a thought from the other end. Please, don’t drown me.
This wave of emotion is set to cripple and I'm fragile at my seams.
"Can't go with my heart, when I can't feel what's in it. I thought you'd come over, but for some reason you didn't. Glass on the pavement under my shoe. Without you is all my life amounts to."
You are leaving a trail of sparks and I'm carrying enough gasoline to burn this whole city down.
Let it slip away at the shoreline. Let me slip away at the shoreline.
He was neurotic anyways.
5.12.08
travel
My whole life I’ve been numb, but never as numb as I felt last night.
I considered the problems of falling asleep at the wheel while my chest wheezed. The room smelled like fresh laundry but the smoke lingered in the air. I’m supposed to leave in 15 minutes. This room is so innocent in some ways. Not so much in others. I feel like I was very mature for my age at the start of all of this, but I made some mistakes and this room saw the truth of everything. I came here and in this bedroom I developed my identity. I live in the stage of responsibility. Responsibility and freedom together can be hard to balance out. I look around my room and so many of my general interests have started to stray from me. It’s like I’ve developed this whole other side of myself. My roots are all still the same, but I feel crazy. There is so much I forget about until I come here. I forget how fun some of these people can be and how much love I have from my parents. I forgot how good it feels to run errands with my mom in the evening, or how great it feels to sit on the couch beside my dad and watch mind-numbing sitcoms. I forget how good it is to see my dog again; she’s not going to be around much longer. I keep waking up and panicking, like I’m supposed to be at work and I’ve overslept. I wake up in a strange place and look around and then realize where I am. I realize I can sleep until whenever I want. There are three spots for light bulbs in my ceiling fan and for the first time in my life, there are three light bulbs filling their spots. My room feels so much brighter than it ever has before.
I considered the problems of falling asleep at the wheel while my chest wheezed. The room smelled like fresh laundry but the smoke lingered in the air. I’m supposed to leave in 15 minutes. This room is so innocent in some ways. Not so much in others. I feel like I was very mature for my age at the start of all of this, but I made some mistakes and this room saw the truth of everything. I came here and in this bedroom I developed my identity. I live in the stage of responsibility. Responsibility and freedom together can be hard to balance out. I look around my room and so many of my general interests have started to stray from me. It’s like I’ve developed this whole other side of myself. My roots are all still the same, but I feel crazy. There is so much I forget about until I come here. I forget how fun some of these people can be and how much love I have from my parents. I forgot how good it feels to run errands with my mom in the evening, or how great it feels to sit on the couch beside my dad and watch mind-numbing sitcoms. I forget how good it is to see my dog again; she’s not going to be around much longer. I keep waking up and panicking, like I’m supposed to be at work and I’ve overslept. I wake up in a strange place and look around and then realize where I am. I realize I can sleep until whenever I want. There are three spots for light bulbs in my ceiling fan and for the first time in my life, there are three light bulbs filling their spots. My room feels so much brighter than it ever has before.
3.12.08
I never see the city anymore
my back is severely knotted. It's not just knots, it's mountains.
The heat works now and it's giving me a sore throat.
I should try wearing more than leggings for the rest of my life.
So what did you do on your day off?
"I smoked weed and then pranced around in minimal clothing, while the thermostat read 77. I could have sworn it was no warmer than 45. My toes are frozen and if I keep prancing, I might step too hard and crack them. This cut on my foot is gaping, oozing, shit."
The heater in my room might blow me away, or at least to Africa.
The stars and the moons encompass my body when I get out of the shower in the morning.
It helps to ease me into the everyday grind of cab rides and folding boards.
Making less than you're spending and it's your own goddamn fault.
THEN JOVANNI CAME HOME! ON THE TELEPHONE.
"you have to meet him, he's amazing. I want to show my family like, 'Hey, I'm gay, but I've got this really amazing person in my life and it's really important that you meet him!'
Isn't that what we are all secretly trying to say?
I'm going to stick with exploding. Something has escaped me for a brief period of time and I'm scared and I don't want to forget that.
Exploding used to be right next to my pillow and blanket in my comfort zone. My hair is blowing around and I feel like I am in the back seat of my mother's car again. My chest feels tight and my lungs are struggling. I gasp for air and it's just a warm placebo. Is grey really the color that's there after you're gone?
you are asexual, like Steven Patrick Morrissey.
"He knows so much about these things."
MY IPOD ISN'T STOLEN. yay!
However, there is still an eyelash in my eye and I can't get it out.
"I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
I'll keep my mouth kept shut, under lock and key that's rusted from no lie.
Cause all these conversations whine, on and on, on and on."
^^^^^
pathetic.
All the things you said can be terminated with the hit of a switch.
Sometimes I make up my own rules of grammar. MLA format, my assssssssss. Dunzo.
it's dot. dot. dot. comma, dot.
She just opened her door and is going to comment on high I am looking and acting. My mom would always stop mid-sentence while talking to me and just say "blah blah blah... and you are so goddamn high right now.. look at you, haha you little asshole." I would just giggle and stare at the computer screen. I have no space to alleviate all of this. There are just things everywhere.
It's been a while since I've had that sensation run through my legs. It's been since the school bus. The Jetta chronicles. It was my bubble and my bedroom. I have definitely slept in that car before; afraid to go home because I knew I was going to get yelled at. I never really did though; I'd go home when I'd finally get scared I was going to get arrested again.
Destructive.
Note to self:
Song for all the young casanovas and casanovettes
Spring and by summer fall
Don't ever fall in love
yessir.
The heat works now and it's giving me a sore throat.
I should try wearing more than leggings for the rest of my life.
So what did you do on your day off?
"I smoked weed and then pranced around in minimal clothing, while the thermostat read 77. I could have sworn it was no warmer than 45. My toes are frozen and if I keep prancing, I might step too hard and crack them. This cut on my foot is gaping, oozing, shit."
The heater in my room might blow me away, or at least to Africa.
The stars and the moons encompass my body when I get out of the shower in the morning.
It helps to ease me into the everyday grind of cab rides and folding boards.
Making less than you're spending and it's your own goddamn fault.
THEN JOVANNI CAME HOME! ON THE TELEPHONE.
"you have to meet him, he's amazing. I want to show my family like, 'Hey, I'm gay, but I've got this really amazing person in my life and it's really important that you meet him!'
Isn't that what we are all secretly trying to say?
I'm going to stick with exploding. Something has escaped me for a brief period of time and I'm scared and I don't want to forget that.
Exploding used to be right next to my pillow and blanket in my comfort zone. My hair is blowing around and I feel like I am in the back seat of my mother's car again. My chest feels tight and my lungs are struggling. I gasp for air and it's just a warm placebo. Is grey really the color that's there after you're gone?
you are asexual, like Steven Patrick Morrissey.
"He knows so much about these things."
MY IPOD ISN'T STOLEN. yay!
However, there is still an eyelash in my eye and I can't get it out.
"I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
I'll keep my mouth kept shut, under lock and key that's rusted from no lie.
Cause all these conversations whine, on and on, on and on."
^^^^^
pathetic.
All the things you said can be terminated with the hit of a switch.
Sometimes I make up my own rules of grammar. MLA format, my assssssssss. Dunzo.
it's dot. dot. dot. comma, dot.
She just opened her door and is going to comment on high I am looking and acting. My mom would always stop mid-sentence while talking to me and just say "blah blah blah... and you are so goddamn high right now.. look at you, haha you little asshole." I would just giggle and stare at the computer screen. I have no space to alleviate all of this. There are just things everywhere.
It's been a while since I've had that sensation run through my legs. It's been since the school bus. The Jetta chronicles. It was my bubble and my bedroom. I have definitely slept in that car before; afraid to go home because I knew I was going to get yelled at. I never really did though; I'd go home when I'd finally get scared I was going to get arrested again.
Destructive.
Note to self:
Song for all the young casanovas and casanovettes
Spring and by summer fall
Don't ever fall in love
yessir.
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