as the moon waxed,
it watched the road
unfold under its glow
and the glow of headlights.
every so often the speed limit sighed "65" and
we nodded politely as the needle pricked 80
and every state was pennsylvania, was ours
20.3.08
hypotheses
I'm standing on my
tiptoes trying to reach
your state of mind
and I'm seeing it quite
difficult, (without a map)
to find.
there are signs that
point me in the wrong
direction, like down instead of
up, I say my soles are worn
through and I'm barely anywhere
but where I was where
I began, has paved
its roads and become refined
but I know enough to know enough
and this skyline cannot fool me
I'm nowhere near your level.
tiptoes trying to reach
your state of mind
and I'm seeing it quite
difficult, (without a map)
to find.
there are signs that
point me in the wrong
direction, like down instead of
up, I say my soles are worn
through and I'm barely anywhere
but where I was where
I began, has paved
its roads and become refined
but I know enough to know enough
and this skyline cannot fool me
I'm nowhere near your level.
street wise
This day had gone to shit with that drip
soiled water soaked the shell
soggy reminders of why your mother doesn't believe in things like that.
Why do I keep looking down? Why do I save one for you every time?
just in case.
Why is this left unfilled? Why am I still fucking waiting?
I told you not to bother to...
I stayed up all night and sat straight up as bedtime passed.
I'm embarassed by how quick the red flash made my heart skip a beat.
this is the end of transmission.
why do I always run down the hallway when there is no one watching?
soiled water soaked the shell
soggy reminders of why your mother doesn't believe in things like that.
Why do I keep looking down? Why do I save one for you every time?
just in case.
Why is this left unfilled? Why am I still fucking waiting?
I told you not to bother to...
I stayed up all night and sat straight up as bedtime passed.
I'm embarassed by how quick the red flash made my heart skip a beat.
this is the end of transmission.
why do I always run down the hallway when there is no one watching?
19.3.08
dumb narrative
I can remember the first time he took me there; it was in April of 2005. I had been to that park countless times and never explored farther than the trails provided for our enjoyment. When my best friend told me to drive down the path that read “Breakneck Bridge,” I started to wonder, “Where in the hell is he taking me?” We parked the car and stepped outside; it was so warm for April. I stretched my legs as I got out of the car and took in a breath of fresh Pennsylvania air, I was ready for any adventure in front of me. We started walking towards the guardrail and as I peered over, my gut felt empty again. Maybe not. Jeff must have noticed the look on my face because he smiled and quickly added in, “Trust me, its not that bad and it’ll be worth it when we get there.” We had been friends since fourth grade; he was the only boy that hadn’t let me down. I’d never admit it to him but I always trusted him.
The first part of the path appears to be almost straight down. I look down and notice the trees that lined the path had been broken away by other hikers at an earlier time. I wonder if they were as scared as me? As I crawl down the hillside, holding onto only tree roots (please don’t break, please don’t break) I wonder who first knew to come here? Once we clear the tree roots, we walked towards another hillside, this time the dirt looks loose and I’m wondering how my flip-flops will react. I can’t help but notice that at the end of the downhill slide, there is a cliff waiting. I bite my tongue and take off down the hill. To my surprise, it wasn’t as tough as I had expected. I could feel the dirt between my toes turning to mud as my feet made it obvious I was nervous. No worries now, we were at a plateau. I hadn’t noticed before but the sound of the water was getting much closer. It’s amazing how fear takes a hold of you with such a tight grip you forget what is around you. We continued to walk towards a large boulder when I looked up. There were rocks reaching for what seemed like miles all around us. Where did this come from and why didn’t you tell me to bring a camera? He explained that this wasn’t what he brought me to see and it still gets better. How could that be? The rocks were formed so naturally around the landing at the bottom of the hill, as if Mother Nature gave strict instructions to the weathering. Every shade of grey and brown you could ever imagine was above me, stacked in layers. We started walking towards the thunderclaps of the water. Down a boulder, up a boulder, slide between some rocks and most of all: don’t slip. As we walked around the last boulder I can feel the moisture so heavy in the air I know we have to be close. Jeff took a step up onto a rock and gave me his hand. I stepped up and realized I was standing next to a waterfall. Jeff hunched down and crawled across the rocks as the water splashed his back. I followed him behind the waterfall to the other side. I took a seat beside him. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. How can something like this even exist in this town?
At the time, I was scared I’d fall into oblivion and no one would be able to find me. What I really got from going along with my best friend was an oasis. As the days and weeks passed, as long as Mother Nature held up her end of the bargain, I’d be at Breakneck Falls. Its distance from my driveway is exactly 44.7 miles or the perfect amount of songs to shuffle through on my Ipod. The corner convenience store ate so many dollars from my pockets. Iced tea was always essential for the trip. Every time I walked down the hill it got easier and easier. The temperature always dropped the closer you got to the water and some days that’s the reason I enjoyed it so much.
When I first started going, I’d always invite along a companion. I loved to take people there. When Jeff showed me that waterfall my life as it was before, was never the same again. The water’s tranquility before it exploded down the rocks was my favorite part. I felt like that water, smoothly flowing along but just waiting to crash. You could always tell how much it had rained lately by the roar of the water splashing. The dampness from the rocks always felt cool against my legs, as I’d peer out over the ledge. I remember always feeling guilty for smoking cigarettes there. Where do you throw the butt when you are surrounded by beauty? Thank god I quit.
I started going to the falls alone more often as I got older. Senior year of high school approached and it was pretty apparent that things were going to change soon.
Jeff’s family had always talked about moving south and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I’d stop by anytime I had a minute and some extra fuel. I started getting so scared my last couple days in town, just like I was the first day Jeff had brought me there. Everything I knew would be so far away soon. I didn’t realize what I was leaving when I moved to Chicago. Those last two months in Pennsylvania have such a stale aftertaste. I knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted, so I continued to take trips down that interstate. I still feel most alive when I am near a body of water and I am still convinced that Breakneck Falls is the only place that I can go that can clear my mind.
The rolling green hillsides and trees for miles that I once couldn’t wait to get rid of are now what I look forward to seeing the most. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Jeff’s family moved to South Carolina in October and sometimes I still feel empty. I still show up at home for a weekend here and there and disappear for a few hours. The falls are the same as they always have been, water levels are high this time of the year. Every time I go there now, I remember that day we pulled in and Jeff told me to park my car in the turn around. I thought he was crazy, but I know now he’s still the only boy I trust.
The first part of the path appears to be almost straight down. I look down and notice the trees that lined the path had been broken away by other hikers at an earlier time. I wonder if they were as scared as me? As I crawl down the hillside, holding onto only tree roots (please don’t break, please don’t break) I wonder who first knew to come here? Once we clear the tree roots, we walked towards another hillside, this time the dirt looks loose and I’m wondering how my flip-flops will react. I can’t help but notice that at the end of the downhill slide, there is a cliff waiting. I bite my tongue and take off down the hill. To my surprise, it wasn’t as tough as I had expected. I could feel the dirt between my toes turning to mud as my feet made it obvious I was nervous. No worries now, we were at a plateau. I hadn’t noticed before but the sound of the water was getting much closer. It’s amazing how fear takes a hold of you with such a tight grip you forget what is around you. We continued to walk towards a large boulder when I looked up. There were rocks reaching for what seemed like miles all around us. Where did this come from and why didn’t you tell me to bring a camera? He explained that this wasn’t what he brought me to see and it still gets better. How could that be? The rocks were formed so naturally around the landing at the bottom of the hill, as if Mother Nature gave strict instructions to the weathering. Every shade of grey and brown you could ever imagine was above me, stacked in layers. We started walking towards the thunderclaps of the water. Down a boulder, up a boulder, slide between some rocks and most of all: don’t slip. As we walked around the last boulder I can feel the moisture so heavy in the air I know we have to be close. Jeff took a step up onto a rock and gave me his hand. I stepped up and realized I was standing next to a waterfall. Jeff hunched down and crawled across the rocks as the water splashed his back. I followed him behind the waterfall to the other side. I took a seat beside him. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. How can something like this even exist in this town?
At the time, I was scared I’d fall into oblivion and no one would be able to find me. What I really got from going along with my best friend was an oasis. As the days and weeks passed, as long as Mother Nature held up her end of the bargain, I’d be at Breakneck Falls. Its distance from my driveway is exactly 44.7 miles or the perfect amount of songs to shuffle through on my Ipod. The corner convenience store ate so many dollars from my pockets. Iced tea was always essential for the trip. Every time I walked down the hill it got easier and easier. The temperature always dropped the closer you got to the water and some days that’s the reason I enjoyed it so much.
When I first started going, I’d always invite along a companion. I loved to take people there. When Jeff showed me that waterfall my life as it was before, was never the same again. The water’s tranquility before it exploded down the rocks was my favorite part. I felt like that water, smoothly flowing along but just waiting to crash. You could always tell how much it had rained lately by the roar of the water splashing. The dampness from the rocks always felt cool against my legs, as I’d peer out over the ledge. I remember always feeling guilty for smoking cigarettes there. Where do you throw the butt when you are surrounded by beauty? Thank god I quit.
I started going to the falls alone more often as I got older. Senior year of high school approached and it was pretty apparent that things were going to change soon.
Jeff’s family had always talked about moving south and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I’d stop by anytime I had a minute and some extra fuel. I started getting so scared my last couple days in town, just like I was the first day Jeff had brought me there. Everything I knew would be so far away soon. I didn’t realize what I was leaving when I moved to Chicago. Those last two months in Pennsylvania have such a stale aftertaste. I knew I had to enjoy it while it lasted, so I continued to take trips down that interstate. I still feel most alive when I am near a body of water and I am still convinced that Breakneck Falls is the only place that I can go that can clear my mind.
The rolling green hillsides and trees for miles that I once couldn’t wait to get rid of are now what I look forward to seeing the most. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Jeff’s family moved to South Carolina in October and sometimes I still feel empty. I still show up at home for a weekend here and there and disappear for a few hours. The falls are the same as they always have been, water levels are high this time of the year. Every time I go there now, I remember that day we pulled in and Jeff told me to park my car in the turn around. I thought he was crazy, but I know now he’s still the only boy I trust.
grapevine
is it possible to feel like both heaven and hell at the same time?
Why does the roof of my mouth hurt everytime I swallow?
i hate it when i have dirty fingernails.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE!
yes.
So this is to tracks, and loving and hating in more ways than 35.
WAIT! I get it now
that's why you're
bored well let me just walk on this
balance beam okay?
We'll take care of it.
when the plastic slides across the table, I exploded already.
we don't want to meet anyone else ever.
I stomped this out.
Please don't let that be the last nerve, you had better adjust your insides.
You feel robbed! Had you explained
that marker is out of sight and my teeth keep pressing harder down on my lip.
why does that fucking thing keep doing that? (not my teeth)
Don't allow section 1 to provide the text.
Generation is no longer here. It never fits. I always tie the ends to fix it.
They only giggle...
Why does the roof of my mouth hurt everytime I swallow?
i hate it when i have dirty fingernails.
WATER WATER EVERYWHERE!
yes.
So this is to tracks, and loving and hating in more ways than 35.
WAIT! I get it now
that's why you're
bored well let me just walk on this
balance beam okay?
We'll take care of it.
when the plastic slides across the table, I exploded already.
we don't want to meet anyone else ever.
I stomped this out.
Please don't let that be the last nerve, you had better adjust your insides.
You feel robbed! Had you explained
that marker is out of sight and my teeth keep pressing harder down on my lip.
why does that fucking thing keep doing that? (not my teeth)
Don't allow section 1 to provide the text.
Generation is no longer here. It never fits. I always tie the ends to fix it.
They only giggle...
13.3.08
the sun was shining upon the vast expanse of land
the birds went on
chirping, the phone rang
i did not pick it up
by myself in my home
empty parking lots stare back and laugh 'cause
they know they are less lonely
I let the machine answer the phone
you said, "call me."
hung up so suddenly as if you knew
I was searching for the phone
in clothing three days too old
reaking of orange juice and stale cigarettes
empty parking lots stare back and laugh
in a miracle that is love, i am
lost
i haven't shaved nor showered since that day
sat alone staring at ticket stubs and
pressed flowers I had saved.
I picked flowers again that day
I sleep in late, hoping you will have called by the time I awake.
and you will probably see me on the street
soon as the landlord realizes that the last two months rent hasn't come
empty parking lots state back and laugh
take a picture, it will last longer than me...
(disclaimer: i think i wrote this when i was 16. don't judge)
the birds went on
chirping, the phone rang
i did not pick it up
by myself in my home
empty parking lots stare back and laugh 'cause
they know they are less lonely
I let the machine answer the phone
you said, "call me."
hung up so suddenly as if you knew
I was searching for the phone
in clothing three days too old
reaking of orange juice and stale cigarettes
empty parking lots stare back and laugh
in a miracle that is love, i am
lost
i haven't shaved nor showered since that day
sat alone staring at ticket stubs and
pressed flowers I had saved.
I picked flowers again that day
I sleep in late, hoping you will have called by the time I awake.
and you will probably see me on the street
soon as the landlord realizes that the last two months rent hasn't come
empty parking lots state back and laugh
take a picture, it will last longer than me...
(disclaimer: i think i wrote this when i was 16. don't judge)
dirty feet girls
--
what once was
is still being endured.
__
please.
--
no more mouthing of words to failed lip readers
we will plot our occupancy in lover's brains
and fill in our silence
before thoughts reach their expiration dates
unlike canned thoughts or frozen thoughts
poorly planned meals we put to trash right along with our anger
(ha! how silly it feels to long for anger)
this will be communication chaos
a phone tap
without fear of jailtime
__
it is written that we will go down as screaming jezebels
estrogren temper tantrums gone beautifully wild
bursting our cartoon balloon hearts if it must be so
__
ignorance, Honey...
well, we never could understand a thing like that.
__
I don't see things getting any easier as we get smarter.
__
Next stop... failed feminism.
what once was
is still being endured.
__
please.
--
no more mouthing of words to failed lip readers
we will plot our occupancy in lover's brains
and fill in our silence
before thoughts reach their expiration dates
unlike canned thoughts or frozen thoughts
poorly planned meals we put to trash right along with our anger
(ha! how silly it feels to long for anger)
this will be communication chaos
a phone tap
without fear of jailtime
__
it is written that we will go down as screaming jezebels
estrogren temper tantrums gone beautifully wild
bursting our cartoon balloon hearts if it must be so
__
ignorance, Honey...
well, we never could understand a thing like that.
__
I don't see things getting any easier as we get smarter.
__
Next stop... failed feminism.
12.3.08
Loose ends
I'm losing it, it's slipping away
away from my grasp with all these chemicals
the medicated numb I am no higher than the cliff I dove from
I'm so proud my spine stands twelve feet tall
each supple nerve wrapped even tighter around than the last
One smooth operator
suave upper vertebrae and shit's still oozing from my brain
No one pats my back anymore
No one pats my back and when they do
I turn ill and want to drown them in my guts
I should've felt some sick sense of self-fulfillment
yet my spine weakens and snaps
all twelve feet tall fall to a heap on this tile
it's cold and not receiving well or with
much politeness at all
I just entered and ultimately cleared a room
I just ate every last strawberry, I wasn't even hungry
Still, I hope someone catches a seed that I blow from the crack of my teeth
I hope it lands on their lip and embeds itself
in a pore until fertilized by vitamin enriched words and
chicken soup for the teenage fucking soul
A tiny door opens and a fox slips in
hope he doesn't fall through the cracks
what's the cream cheese on my bagel? what flavor, if any at all?
Am I that kind of a girl? Do I dream like the king?
with every possible fruit provided, can your fruit salad still be sweet?
everyone knows it's the lemon that preserves this salad
without you the sweet treats of the others go brown and rot
I cannot believe that I have resorted to writing to no one listening.
I talk to no one that reads
I just re-read the first line and it's not promising
Do you ever wish the interior matched the exterior
why can't we teach everyone how to behave with a spoonful of peanut butter
we can make a two-legged dog dance.
Has anyone ever cracked open an egg that has accidentally been fertilized?
If you have to leave a loved one behind on your travels or adventures
your thoughts will turn repeatedly to the small gestures that make your
relationship different from any other you've ever had before.
I blame everyone around me
point that goddamned finger condemning all that stand around me
the second I escape, I begin to see it's still there.
away from my grasp with all these chemicals
the medicated numb I am no higher than the cliff I dove from
I'm so proud my spine stands twelve feet tall
each supple nerve wrapped even tighter around than the last
One smooth operator
suave upper vertebrae and shit's still oozing from my brain
No one pats my back anymore
No one pats my back and when they do
I turn ill and want to drown them in my guts
I should've felt some sick sense of self-fulfillment
yet my spine weakens and snaps
all twelve feet tall fall to a heap on this tile
it's cold and not receiving well or with
much politeness at all
I just entered and ultimately cleared a room
I just ate every last strawberry, I wasn't even hungry
Still, I hope someone catches a seed that I blow from the crack of my teeth
I hope it lands on their lip and embeds itself
in a pore until fertilized by vitamin enriched words and
chicken soup for the teenage fucking soul
A tiny door opens and a fox slips in
hope he doesn't fall through the cracks
what's the cream cheese on my bagel? what flavor, if any at all?
Am I that kind of a girl? Do I dream like the king?
with every possible fruit provided, can your fruit salad still be sweet?
everyone knows it's the lemon that preserves this salad
without you the sweet treats of the others go brown and rot
I cannot believe that I have resorted to writing to no one listening.
I talk to no one that reads
I just re-read the first line and it's not promising
Do you ever wish the interior matched the exterior
why can't we teach everyone how to behave with a spoonful of peanut butter
we can make a two-legged dog dance.
Has anyone ever cracked open an egg that has accidentally been fertilized?
If you have to leave a loved one behind on your travels or adventures
your thoughts will turn repeatedly to the small gestures that make your
relationship different from any other you've ever had before.
I blame everyone around me
point that goddamned finger condemning all that stand around me
the second I escape, I begin to see it's still there.
I am afraid of semis
Words on paper are here for what?
Oh, how I miss you in that crowded room.
My fingers pressed the buttons.
I'll cut you into pieces
and steal just one
to stuff crumbled in these pockets
where my hands hide deep
I'll play with the worn out edges
while you pass me on the street
when all we have to give is awkward smiles
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop
don't worry darling, I won't stop
(telling myself... don't look back, don't look back)
Feeling guilty for stealing a glance
like myself as I knew it was no longer
and I couldn't bear to sing along anymore
frankly,
I am not longer fond of the tune.
Mind over matter
What a lie to everyone that ever felt
the slightest impulse to hold on
even if you were a lie
walking down the street
silently breaking something that belongs to me
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop.
don't worry darling, I won't stop this time
(telling myself... look down, look down, look down)
Oh, how I miss you in that crowded room.
My fingers pressed the buttons.
I'll cut you into pieces
and steal just one
to stuff crumbled in these pockets
where my hands hide deep
I'll play with the worn out edges
while you pass me on the street
when all we have to give is awkward smiles
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop
don't worry darling, I won't stop
(telling myself... don't look back, don't look back)
Feeling guilty for stealing a glance
like myself as I knew it was no longer
and I couldn't bear to sing along anymore
frankly,
I am not longer fond of the tune.
Mind over matter
What a lie to everyone that ever felt
the slightest impulse to hold on
even if you were a lie
walking down the street
silently breaking something that belongs to me
I'll walk, I'll walk- I won't stop.
don't worry darling, I won't stop this time
(telling myself... look down, look down, look down)
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