i cannot even begin to express how insane it is that it's been a year since i posted and i have a daughter now.  shes the best thing that ever happened to me.  i cant act like this isnt something that i've always wanted. She's perfect and going to prove to be a test for the rest of my life. She will be here longer than I will and I cannot wait for her to give the world fucking hell. This is a terrifying time. Nora has her own grandmother and grandfather voting in favor of the most terrifying human being in the entire world. We will do our best to forget that they forget their own granddaughter while voting. I have only gained enemies. I dont give a shit.

In small steps you're treading backwards
Not completely, yet mostly
Things you wanted, you don't
Things you thought were right, weren't
You worked so hard to get here

Still torn between black and white
Grey doesn't exist
and if it does
its way too fucked up to involve yourself in it

Why weren't we all born as cats?
I'd rather the long naps and dull stares
I didn't fucking sign up for this

When you're outside of the looking glass
It's crazy what you might find.
Sound sleep. Meaningful relationships.

The creak of the bed frame reminds me of braces.
You're trapped but it's not in the worst way.
The worst is the excuses.
You find different ways of being alone.

The explaining of "no really, it's not you. It's me."
And how we've all fucked that up to a point that no one believes it.
We've got to learn to balance our time.
I've got to learn to balance my time.

XVII

Little flecks of pink, shattered across the bed sheet
This is exactly why you just can't figure it out.
Your stomach is an orchestra that takes away your breath
Sometimes you're convinced this is what was supposed to happen
You just must have forgotten to plan for it.

All these signals, all of these goddamn signals,
and a cup of earl grey keeps the medicine away.
Just like you're sure she felt at least once before,
you think of your mother often.
What is it like to summon your demons?

Do you think you can wash it all away with a spoon full of sugar?
Asking questions you don't care to know the answers to.
You came here again, without thinking too much
and now here you are, thinking too much.
There's always the question of why and when you will leave again.
Wondering if this time it will be on your own accord...

It's always something dramatic.
Something that pushes you to the point of no control
Your limbs start to feel as heavy as your eyelids
and suddenly you sink.
Back when you were a kid you always looked at those people,
those people that are exactly as you are now.
You wondered often what lead them to this...
"Most likely to move far away" but somehow "Most likely to fuck it all up"
seems more accurate.

The pain in your chest isn't enough to fill your hollow heart.
You're speaking words that have no meaning just to pay your rent.
Every request followed by an unsatisfied "for sure."
If you're anything, it's unsure.

The alarm sounds and you race to your living room.
One more way they keep you in line.
"This shouldn't be normal" you just keep repeating in your head.
"This shouldn't be normal" "This shouldn't be normal"
until you realize you're speaking it out loud.
"This shouldn't be normal" "This shouldn't be normal"
"This isn't normal"

Tonight I left for home and I was nervous. I saw that the road was covered and I nearly slipped on the sidewalk as I escaped the awning. Hoping to blame it on my cheap-soled boots, I hit the defrost and backed out. As I set out, it wasn't all that bad. When I turned onto my road, about 8 miles down would be my destination. It got worse, the layer of grey over the road turned white and I grasped the steering wheel a bit tighter. It was all ice underneath. Slow and steady wins the race, slow and steady wins the race. I traveled at about 25. The first part was the easiest being that its the most straight. I was worried about the valley. As I approached the fields I expected the drift. It's always been there perfectly placed where the deer cross. I don't know if you were texting that night. Maybe you swerved to avoid an animal. All I know is we lost you that foggy Wednesday. As I drove home, I passed your cross on the side of the road. I promised myself I wouldn't take my eyes off the road to look like I usually do. It was too bad out. But I saw your solar light from the corner of my eye. I've never been one to believe in this kind of stuff but I shed a tear when I looked up ahead and just a few feet away, the road got clear. It's like the trees blocked the path of the snow and it never made it further north. The whole rest of my ride, it was clear. Thank you, Zach. It was a rough day. I needed that.

happiness and hoppiness are two different words
both seem to stem from a glass bottle
I had to come home, I was unsure
The browns have mixed with the greys
and I feel a sense of betrayal I'm not entitled to.

Every year, it's farther away
the hum of the heater, you've only got a month
paying fines for crimes you don't feel guilty for committing
take. it. all.

life by minimums and a failed attempt at waking early
all those nice things won't save you

Sorry guys, I need to get back to this.

Winter has full on hit us. We haven't gotten a break in snow in 6 days. I've only left my house twice in the past week, both times for a job interview. It's not bothering me though. I think I like the idea of this quiet winter to get myself figured out. I've had so much me-time. I'm not completely hating it. I get bored but it's forcing me to find new things to do. I've been reading more, re-playing old video games, music searching/discovering, blogging, article reading, celeb stalking (baha), and chatting with old friends. I am okay with it too because I remember last year in Chicago, I was freezing. Our apartment was so cold and drafty, amazing, but arctic. I just remember staying in bed a whole lot more and being a whole lot worse off. Last winter was kind of the brutal truth that told me I needed to go home and stop pissing away the money i didn't have. I'm here now, and things are good to me. I had a very promising 2nd interview. I don't want to jinx it but I'm ready to take this seriously. I've been thinking about this a lot and I finally feel like I can come to a conclusion. They say how you spend your new years is how you'll spend your year, so let's look at last year. I was super happy on new years, but super indulgent and fucked up. I still love that day but it was probably a good indication of how i spent 2009. Indulgent and fucked up. This new years I had two beers early in the night and then stopped. Mike had a good time and I drove us back to his house, sober. 2010 is about better decisions and I'm excited about it. More bike rides, more chicago, more responsibility.

Causing infliction, and a piece of identification
Tie up your sutures because tomorrow will not be enough
look around, see them, want what they don't,
breathe how they breathe and eat your last meal.

There is a blank canvas above your head and I usually
don't feel this in the back of my throat.
Settle up with your patriarch and stop asking so many questions.
Papers with scriptures get lost in the wind,
kicking out car doors and falling into dusk.

I remember when I was somewhere around sixteen

a man who was significantly older than myself told me he had given up on love.

When I asked him why, he told me it had to do with a road block.

I don't have a garage door or a rifle, I am nothing more than unqualified.

I am a large apartment window with shreds of paper throughout it's panes.

What a silly idea, of course, to fall in love.

The shreds flood downwards and your blood pressure rises.

She always felt one thing and him, the other, and

you work late to fight off your pulse.