sometimes what you write is so happy and other times it's so gloomy.
You can't quite make up your mind, can you?
"I don't know what you want me to do?"
I'm back on top, so why does it always have to be about Eric's trip?
The sleeve of my hooded sweatshirt was soaking wet from perspiration.
I need to stop being a nervous wreck and take a minute to get this shit gathered.
Hunter/Gatherer, ha!
It really is quite that simple. I'm only 22 minutes from freezing.
Or is it my boiling point?
I am already freezing in my apartment. When I go outside, I'm immune.
18.1.09
you are all chapters in my book
they say the third time is a charm.
Long-lost friend #1
I saw that photo of you today and it reminded me of why I thought you were so interesting. So solemn, yet with a sense of humor so parallel to mine. It's funny how we talked about the way we felt on one of your last nights in town. Everyone else in the room was just sitting by, having their own important discussions on whatever it is they thought was worth a breath or two. We both laughed about it. It's not like it wasn't obvious the entire time. We laughed about the time we sat under the stairs club house style. I felt like I was 9 years old again and I won't lie, I miss the feeling. We played frisbee in the alley way and we didn't have to wear jackets. We played frisbee quite a bit, before I started working so much. I can't remember the name of the girl that was with us, but i remember being surprised at her generosity. We walked out on the pier and that guy was doing yoga so close to us. We smoked weed anyways. I remember thinking in my head that this was the exact reason I came to this city in the first place. I needed to find good friends to share beautiful experiences with. I looked at the cityscape and I couldn't believe I was really there. The first time we hung out, you bought my beers. I thought your last name was something other than what it was. I feel so guilty because I only knew you for such a short time. You've been one of the people I think of most when I think of Chicago.
Long-lost friend #2
I miss smoking bowls with you after work. I hate that you have fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember when I first started that job, you would come back to the fitting room and talk to me for as long as you could get away with. The day you came into hair fairies with Drennen, we made plans to smoke because we both got off at the same time. We ended up walking to Oz Park and sitting on top of the only hill in the park. We watched a man with long red hair, jog up and down the park with no shirt on. He was as pale as a sheet of paper and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Then we saw those kids chasing after their miniature dogs. There was an older man standing just a few yards away from us and you looked at him so sincerely. I saw your smile slowly slip off your face and I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to sort out what you were feeling when you said aloud, "He probably misses his family." It was that exact moment that I knew why I felt like I understood you. We are both better at feeling other people's emotions better than we are at feeling our own. That man was doing nothing more than watching kids play with their dogs and we both thought of the sadness that only we could see in his eyes. You're a Pisces too. You used to give me rides home from work a lot. We would smoke out of an apple if we didn't have the proper equipment. The night that your car wouldn't start too. I really can't believe you don't talk to me anymore.
I hate that I've been lumped into that group. After that happened between you and her, you stopped coming around completely. We used to ride up and down the waterfront on our bikes, taking breaks to smoke on the rocks. You said something about the lake being so misleading. When you're there you felt like you could be anywhere and then you have to come back to the painful realization that it's just not fathomable. You would always take my thoughts straight from my head and say them to me. It would help me to put things into focus. I don't feel bad about not going back to Columbia because of you. I remember hearing your phone conversation with your sister about your parents christmas gift. Your brave honesty was another thing that always made me respect you. You weren't really ever ashamed. You were and still are one of the most down to earth people I know. I just hate that you never call. I know you're back with your old girlfriend and that's great! I just know how controlling she used to be and I feel like that's the reason we will never see you. I hope you move to New York though, or Florida.. I know you've talked about both places quite a bit.
Long-lost friend #1
I saw that photo of you today and it reminded me of why I thought you were so interesting. So solemn, yet with a sense of humor so parallel to mine. It's funny how we talked about the way we felt on one of your last nights in town. Everyone else in the room was just sitting by, having their own important discussions on whatever it is they thought was worth a breath or two. We both laughed about it. It's not like it wasn't obvious the entire time. We laughed about the time we sat under the stairs club house style. I felt like I was 9 years old again and I won't lie, I miss the feeling. We played frisbee in the alley way and we didn't have to wear jackets. We played frisbee quite a bit, before I started working so much. I can't remember the name of the girl that was with us, but i remember being surprised at her generosity. We walked out on the pier and that guy was doing yoga so close to us. We smoked weed anyways. I remember thinking in my head that this was the exact reason I came to this city in the first place. I needed to find good friends to share beautiful experiences with. I looked at the cityscape and I couldn't believe I was really there. The first time we hung out, you bought my beers. I thought your last name was something other than what it was. I feel so guilty because I only knew you for such a short time. You've been one of the people I think of most when I think of Chicago.
Long-lost friend #2
I miss smoking bowls with you after work. I hate that you have fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember when I first started that job, you would come back to the fitting room and talk to me for as long as you could get away with. The day you came into hair fairies with Drennen, we made plans to smoke because we both got off at the same time. We ended up walking to Oz Park and sitting on top of the only hill in the park. We watched a man with long red hair, jog up and down the park with no shirt on. He was as pale as a sheet of paper and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Then we saw those kids chasing after their miniature dogs. There was an older man standing just a few yards away from us and you looked at him so sincerely. I saw your smile slowly slip off your face and I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to sort out what you were feeling when you said aloud, "He probably misses his family." It was that exact moment that I knew why I felt like I understood you. We are both better at feeling other people's emotions better than we are at feeling our own. That man was doing nothing more than watching kids play with their dogs and we both thought of the sadness that only we could see in his eyes. You're a Pisces too. You used to give me rides home from work a lot. We would smoke out of an apple if we didn't have the proper equipment. The night that your car wouldn't start too. I really can't believe you don't talk to me anymore.
I hate that I've been lumped into that group. After that happened between you and her, you stopped coming around completely. We used to ride up and down the waterfront on our bikes, taking breaks to smoke on the rocks. You said something about the lake being so misleading. When you're there you felt like you could be anywhere and then you have to come back to the painful realization that it's just not fathomable. You would always take my thoughts straight from my head and say them to me. It would help me to put things into focus. I don't feel bad about not going back to Columbia because of you. I remember hearing your phone conversation with your sister about your parents christmas gift. Your brave honesty was another thing that always made me respect you. You weren't really ever ashamed. You were and still are one of the most down to earth people I know. I just hate that you never call. I know you're back with your old girlfriend and that's great! I just know how controlling she used to be and I feel like that's the reason we will never see you. I hope you move to New York though, or Florida.. I know you've talked about both places quite a bit.
droppin' da steel curtain
we all write.
It's so funny how as humans we are okay with dumping our emotions out onto paper or some random social networking site, or some space in the world wide web we can call our own. Yet, we can't even look each other square in the eyes and say how we really feel. Will we always be so embarrassed by the way our minds work? I can't worry about what you all will think. I know deep down we are all human and we all have error. This is the error of a lifetime.
Thank you so much for your hospitality, everyone.
I feel like it's to the point that everything that I used to think was vital to my life is suddenly not important. I guess I've left myself with no other choice.
I'm about 4 days away from getting sucked back into the whirlwind and I guess I've got to be ready for it. I touched his hand, even though I shouldn't have.
I'm writing a letter for the future. I'm going to save it for whenever I get the adequate amount of information. I should write a letter to the future.
PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN.
(i feel like i need to plan a trip home that weekend)
i dont give a shit about sports, who am i kidding?
It's so funny how as humans we are okay with dumping our emotions out onto paper or some random social networking site, or some space in the world wide web we can call our own. Yet, we can't even look each other square in the eyes and say how we really feel. Will we always be so embarrassed by the way our minds work? I can't worry about what you all will think. I know deep down we are all human and we all have error. This is the error of a lifetime.
Thank you so much for your hospitality, everyone.
I feel like it's to the point that everything that I used to think was vital to my life is suddenly not important. I guess I've left myself with no other choice.
I'm about 4 days away from getting sucked back into the whirlwind and I guess I've got to be ready for it. I touched his hand, even though I shouldn't have.
I'm writing a letter for the future. I'm going to save it for whenever I get the adequate amount of information. I should write a letter to the future.
PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN.
(i feel like i need to plan a trip home that weekend)
i dont give a shit about sports, who am i kidding?
young girls, young boys
make better use of your surroundings
I guess that's what they say is important.
you are standing on the edge of the couch and youre falling into the crack of the cushions.
furniture standing used to be your expertise. when did you start failing at such a simple task?
this is really not about furniture at all.
For I am not a shelf!
Don't take your time with any sort of apology.
I'm not really receptive to that sort of thing.
This floor shows stains but not as well as my shirt. (by shirt, i mean heart.)
I've got this knack or making the most of a terrible time.
This is a horrendous time and again, I'm failing at something I am usually oh so good at.
I guess you could say the hours are the real problem. Isn't that what we are all fighting for anyways?
More hours. More hours in a day, more hours of sleep, more hours at work, more hours to live.
It's all exactly the same.
It doesn't matter where you are or who you are there with.
It's all about you and what you will do.
I guess that's what they say is important.
you are standing on the edge of the couch and youre falling into the crack of the cushions.
furniture standing used to be your expertise. when did you start failing at such a simple task?
this is really not about furniture at all.
For I am not a shelf!
Don't take your time with any sort of apology.
I'm not really receptive to that sort of thing.
This floor shows stains but not as well as my shirt. (by shirt, i mean heart.)
I've got this knack or making the most of a terrible time.
This is a horrendous time and again, I'm failing at something I am usually oh so good at.
I guess you could say the hours are the real problem. Isn't that what we are all fighting for anyways?
More hours. More hours in a day, more hours of sleep, more hours at work, more hours to live.
It's all exactly the same.
It doesn't matter where you are or who you are there with.
It's all about you and what you will do.
10.1.09
the lottery is depressing
I got an email back within 4 hours. The only type of response I could conjure up was, "They are about to hate me."
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.
On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)
I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.
What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.
On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)
I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.
What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?
8.1.09
stop selling me your culture!
“ I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."
—Trent Reznor, Rolling Stone
Trent, on my home town.
Maybe this is the problem.
(that last line hits hard)
—Trent Reznor, Rolling Stone
Trent, on my home town.
Maybe this is the problem.
(that last line hits hard)
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