the lottery is depressing

I got an email back within 4 hours. The only type of response I could conjure up was, "They are about to hate me."
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.


On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)

I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.

What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?