Causing infliction, and a piece of identification
Tie up your sutures because tomorrow will not be enough
look around, see them, want what they don't,
breathe how they breathe and eat your last meal.
There is a blank canvas above your head and I usually
don't feel this in the back of my throat.
Settle up with your patriarch and stop asking so many questions.
Papers with scriptures get lost in the wind,
kicking out car doors and falling into dusk.
16.11.09
4.11.09
I remember when I was somewhere around sixteen
a man who was significantly older than myself told me he had given up on love.
When I asked him why, he told me it had to do with a road block.
I don't have a garage door or a rifle, I am nothing more than unqualified.
I am a large apartment window with shreds of paper throughout it's panes.
What a silly idea, of course, to fall in love.
The shreds flood downwards and your blood pressure rises.
She always felt one thing and him, the other, and
you work late to fight off your pulse.
23.10.09
this is exactly what you needed
sixteen months of rehab
or what could be known as any type of recovery
this wasn’t different than most others
I picked you up and drowned silently as you slept.
The tremble can be cured but the heartbeat takes so much.
Flip to exhaust and exhale slowly,
Ration your breaths and swallow your sadness.
Only one more thing, to remind you that you’re dead.
18.10.09
Nostalgia; take the weight each time.
Your contraband came through my bedroom window
I could have sworn it was just the air.
Tonight was one of those nights that you can't decide you love or hate.
When you drive you don't look to your left or right, straight on.
It was a long drive for someone with so much to think about.
Keeping the window cracked to allow the whistle of the air,
anything to remind you that you're alive.
I felt your stare but it hurts too much to return the glance.
I gathered my jacket, allowing my emotions to make their exit.
Heavy Water/I'd rather be sleeping.
Your contraband came through my bedroom window
I could have sworn it was just the air.
Tonight was one of those nights that you can't decide you love or hate.
When you drive you don't look to your left or right, straight on.
It was a long drive for someone with so much to think about.
Keeping the window cracked to allow the whistle of the air,
anything to remind you that you're alive.
I felt your stare but it hurts too much to return the glance.
I gathered my jacket, allowing my emotions to make their exit.
Heavy Water/I'd rather be sleeping.
12.10.09
just c'mere
I wanted so badly just to lie down next to him on the couch, to wrap my arms around him and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and I was gawky and he is gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and he was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to where I was and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking if people were rain, I was drizzle and he was a hurricane.
6.10.09
This past weekend was a good one.
I worked from 1-close saturday, drove to cleveland. Got drunk with mike, saw Brendan, Catherine, George, and Kait. Made me real happy.
Sunday, got breakfast with Landon and Mike, went to Spin, Mike bought me a new cog (thanks baby!) afterwards Landon, mike and I went on a ride. New gear ratio felt real different, it's going to take some getting used to. Rode about 25 miles probably. Met up with suzy and her friend which was real good too. It was good to see her, again. Hopefully we'll run into each other more often as she does this Cleveland project she's working on. We rode back, hung out at Brendans with him and Catherine. It was a real good time, until I got really drunk and nervous about driving home and whatnot so we left.. i was sort of paranoid. dumb me.
I worked from 1-close saturday, drove to cleveland. Got drunk with mike, saw Brendan, Catherine, George, and Kait. Made me real happy.
Sunday, got breakfast with Landon and Mike, went to Spin, Mike bought me a new cog (thanks baby!) afterwards Landon, mike and I went on a ride. New gear ratio felt real different, it's going to take some getting used to. Rode about 25 miles probably. Met up with suzy and her friend which was real good too. It was good to see her, again. Hopefully we'll run into each other more often as she does this Cleveland project she's working on. We rode back, hung out at Brendans with him and Catherine. It was a real good time, until I got really drunk and nervous about driving home and whatnot so we left.. i was sort of paranoid. dumb me.
1.10.09
blatant.
It landed somewhere in between "Come back home" and your way of saying you missed me.
The strange way that you would laugh at what I'd say. You always played it cool.
They would all giggle about how much we look alike and it was worse for me.
I'd have too much coffee and my body would tremble and you'd never finish your tea.
We'd talked through everything, that night of rainbow wind. Your teeth, they chattered so loud.
I'm looking through a snow globe.
The strange way that you would laugh at what I'd say. You always played it cool.
They would all giggle about how much we look alike and it was worse for me.
I'd have too much coffee and my body would tremble and you'd never finish your tea.
We'd talked through everything, that night of rainbow wind. Your teeth, they chattered so loud.
I'm looking through a snow globe.
18.9.09
I'm pinching what's left
holding it together with the only
strength I can conjure.
Your lack of effort here feels cold like
wires in my bed.
I am cleaner now but emptier.
I want this clock to keep the hours rolling.
Maybe trade 60, for something more like 25?
I can see the terminal in my head I can feel the
anxiety in my veins.
I have always wanted to be this brave.
holding it together with the only
strength I can conjure.
Your lack of effort here feels cold like
wires in my bed.
I am cleaner now but emptier.
I want this clock to keep the hours rolling.
Maybe trade 60, for something more like 25?
I can see the terminal in my head I can feel the
anxiety in my veins.
I have always wanted to be this brave.
13.9.09
Something crossing
This beverage of choice soothes the wound.
Everytime I smell that I think of you.
Or, weird. Remember the first time you smelled marijuana?
and you realized you recognized it?
Almost.
In a car there is a lot to think about.
There is a side to driving that,
sometimes I don't prepare well enough for.
It's not really the part of being trapped alone
eating for 3 hours.
How many hours could you spend in a room?
An elephant never forgets.
Tissues filled with your allergens remain crumpled along the bed.
Have I mentioned, you are a saint.
Everytime I smell that I think of you.
Or, weird. Remember the first time you smelled marijuana?
and you realized you recognized it?
Almost.
In a car there is a lot to think about.
There is a side to driving that,
sometimes I don't prepare well enough for.
It's not really the part of being trapped alone
eating for 3 hours.
How many hours could you spend in a room?
An elephant never forgets.
Tissues filled with your allergens remain crumpled along the bed.
Have I mentioned, you are a saint.
26.8.09
yeah yup.
I read this today and I liked it.
"When we are in committed relationships and “the excitement of the hunt” and dirty connotation is somewhat taken out of sex, I think we are often left seeing ourselves as we are, our issues spilled on the sheets." - rabbitwrite.com (A good friend of mine's blog, bookmark it.)
"When we are in committed relationships and “the excitement of the hunt” and dirty connotation is somewhat taken out of sex, I think we are often left seeing ourselves as we are, our issues spilled on the sheets." - rabbitwrite.com (A good friend of mine's blog, bookmark it.)
22.8.09
2.8.09
1.8.09
Make it home safely
Go out as soon as you come in.
Leave as soon as you come.
Blow out before you blow further in.
dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels
I love you.
I'm so distraught.
I feel like a fish out of water.
I can't breathe like I used to.
Leave as soon as you come.
Blow out before you blow further in.
dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels
dont forget how that feels
I love you.
I'm so distraught.
I feel like a fish out of water.
I can't breathe like I used to.
14.7.09
lately
With my lack of motivation, he completed the task.
the real meaning of "have somebody else do it for you."
Then there is the kid that I see everyday walking down the street.
Sans pajama pants.
I sure hope he is doing more than just picking up lunch,
don't fucking judge me.
I've only ever known how to live out of a bedroom.
All this space is a waste and I just want closets.
People with dogs at least have a reason to be lonely.
Their best friends can't speak
and if they did they'd say to shut up.
I like the look of this window but I know that it won't last long.
I'm keeping my look out for you,
the corner of my eye is a sly fox.
Monetary value, oh monetary value!
I secretly love that you're suffering.
It's really the most passive aggressive way I can be hopeful.
the real meaning of "have somebody else do it for you."
Then there is the kid that I see everyday walking down the street.
Sans pajama pants.
I sure hope he is doing more than just picking up lunch,
don't fucking judge me.
I've only ever known how to live out of a bedroom.
All this space is a waste and I just want closets.
People with dogs at least have a reason to be lonely.
Their best friends can't speak
and if they did they'd say to shut up.
I like the look of this window but I know that it won't last long.
I'm keeping my look out for you,
the corner of my eye is a sly fox.
Monetary value, oh monetary value!
I secretly love that you're suffering.
It's really the most passive aggressive way I can be hopeful.
7.6.09
I dont usually remember names
We were strangers without suitcases
trying to make you remember us
painting "black object with red splotch,"
ready to unload our ideas upon a kid
as if water is what we really wanted
when we asked for a glass of it.
Confessing our devotion to resemblances
on the yellow break dance charts
that we studied by candlelight
like toys caught reading
their own directions.
there are things you should keep to yourself
I’m somewhere in Indiana, along the border of Ohio, sitting on a bench. Staring out at the bars of semi trucks and charts of clouds, I’ve got twenty more minutes until I can leave again for Chicago. This ride has been exceptionally boring because I cannot sleep. I just keep taking drags from this cigarette, outside of this getaway. I feel like I’m looking at the cover of a book.
half of me would rather
run than get
back onto that bus.
half of me would rather
run than get
back onto that bus.
23.5.09
down for a round
wade through the macaroni salad
and piece of glass on the tile floor.
You keep repeating, "this is all my fault."
With all of my strength, I am hollering. You
can't hear me, nothing new.
The echo of your footsteps make me fetal.
and piece of glass on the tile floor.
You keep repeating, "this is all my fault."
With all of my strength, I am hollering. You
can't hear me, nothing new.
The echo of your footsteps make me fetal.
12.5.09
where'd we come from anyway?
Drunk, I kissed the moon
where it stretched on the floor.
I'd removed happiness from a green bottle,
both sipped and gulped
just as a river changes it's mind,
mostly there was a flood in my mouth.
because I wanted to love the toaster
as soon as possible, and the toothbrush
with multi-level bristles
created by dental science, and the walls
holding pictures in front of their faces
to veil the boredom of living.
where it stretched on the floor.
I'd removed happiness from a green bottle,
both sipped and gulped
just as a river changes it's mind,
mostly there was a flood in my mouth.
because I wanted to love the toaster
as soon as possible, and the toothbrush
with multi-level bristles
created by dental science, and the walls
holding pictures in front of their faces
to veil the boredom of living.
4.5.09
I am sick of loving you.
Excuse me.
Stirring the grounds in my coffee.
Nothing dissolves and we always have a parking space.
A blue-collar nightmare.
Because I see my life in street signs.
A plane mistaken for a star.
Tree limbs dangle like fingers
And this street leads me to home.
Maybe I should go now.
Walk away in delirium like once before.
It takes none of your effort.
This feeling eruption.
It's only things that you should want to do.
These are the "square one's."
Don't feel dried up.
I want to expand and then explode.
You're my favorite thing by far.
There is a tornado inside of my body. It's sending shards through my veins and striking my nerves. I am having a hard time not looking back.
Stirring the grounds in my coffee.
Nothing dissolves and we always have a parking space.
A blue-collar nightmare.
Because I see my life in street signs.
A plane mistaken for a star.
Tree limbs dangle like fingers
And this street leads me to home.
Maybe I should go now.
Walk away in delirium like once before.
It takes none of your effort.
This feeling eruption.
It's only things that you should want to do.
These are the "square one's."
Don't feel dried up.
I want to expand and then explode.
You're my favorite thing by far.
There is a tornado inside of my body. It's sending shards through my veins and striking my nerves. I am having a hard time not looking back.
3.5.09
newwen
I've been this way for almost all my life.
Wasn't born here, mom and me moved here when I was five.
These Kansas City boys, as dull as butter knives.
I've had this little car since I was 17.
The tape is busted, got a boombox in my backseat.
Blasting Misfits all up and down these streets.
Just stay the same.
Never change.
The Collins kids and KC all leave in the fall.
They don't have time for letters or long distance calls.
Well, friends who leave and friends dead to me.
Mom's been sick now for a long time.
She said she hopes I'll want a family after she has died.
She says the less you feel like a child, the more you want a child.
Just stay the same.
Never change.
Wasn't born here, mom and me moved here when I was five.
These Kansas City boys, as dull as butter knives.
I've had this little car since I was 17.
The tape is busted, got a boombox in my backseat.
Blasting Misfits all up and down these streets.
Just stay the same.
Never change.
The Collins kids and KC all leave in the fall.
They don't have time for letters or long distance calls.
Well, friends who leave and friends dead to me.
Mom's been sick now for a long time.
She said she hopes I'll want a family after she has died.
She says the less you feel like a child, the more you want a child.
Just stay the same.
Never change.
23.4.09
I was the one with the world at my feet
This song was playing in my dream last night
I keep having really crazy dreams. I dont usually dream. I guess it's because i haven't been falling asleep drunk like i usually do.
Or in other people's homes like I usually do. I've been sleeping in my own bed, alone. The way things should be. Not with mike, not with marissa and bob, not with margaret, not with lena and rachel. My old cuddle partners.
Except I've been having bad dreams sometimes. Ones that make me wake up scared and anxious and then I have trouble falling back asleep. I was late for the megabus to go home (something i've been longing to do for a while now), I fell asleep on the blue line and ended up in forest park where some guy kept following me and trying to touch my ass (urgh, really?), then you were sleeping at her house and for some reason you had the nerve to call my dad and ask him to come get you. When I confronted you with it, you didn't even bother to show me you were sorry. You just kept acting like it wasn't a big deal and I was being the crazy one. I didn't want to tell you I was done but I needed to be.
I don't want to get so deep.
"What it is and when it stops, nobody knows. You gave me this life, I never chose. I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go."
I keep having really crazy dreams. I dont usually dream. I guess it's because i haven't been falling asleep drunk like i usually do.
Or in other people's homes like I usually do. I've been sleeping in my own bed, alone. The way things should be. Not with mike, not with marissa and bob, not with margaret, not with lena and rachel. My old cuddle partners.
Except I've been having bad dreams sometimes. Ones that make me wake up scared and anxious and then I have trouble falling back asleep. I was late for the megabus to go home (something i've been longing to do for a while now), I fell asleep on the blue line and ended up in forest park where some guy kept following me and trying to touch my ass (urgh, really?), then you were sleeping at her house and for some reason you had the nerve to call my dad and ask him to come get you. When I confronted you with it, you didn't even bother to show me you were sorry. You just kept acting like it wasn't a big deal and I was being the crazy one. I didn't want to tell you I was done but I needed to be.
I don't want to get so deep.
"What it is and when it stops, nobody knows. You gave me this life, I never chose. I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go."
18.4.09
thank you and have a blessed day
still hyping the new papercuts, hard.
"Yeah Alaina, my alcohol tolerance is pretty ridiculous these days, I actually hate it. I consume like what... 160 calories in each beer and I have like 25 a night. It's like oh hey! I just ate 3 loafs of bread."
"Yeah, well you could just barf at the end of the night before you fall asleep.. prob help with a hangover too."
"Yeah but throwing up alcohol is so terrible for your esophagus. Don't you remember throwing up liquor at some point and just feeling like you threw up fireballs? I mean, i wouldn't really complain if i was throwing up fireballs. I'd gladly accept that.. in fact I would do that, and then move to the Himalayas and just practice shooting fireballs for a really long time. I'd get good and then I'd come back and be a CIA agent and just commit a bunch of crimes but cover them up by burning the evidence with my fireballs.
"Sorta of dexter style."
"um.. yeah but alaina, dexter can't shoot fireballs. I'd still marry him though."
(it was almost as if me and him were at home driving in my car really baked and just having this conversation.
"Yeah Alaina, my alcohol tolerance is pretty ridiculous these days, I actually hate it. I consume like what... 160 calories in each beer and I have like 25 a night. It's like oh hey! I just ate 3 loafs of bread."
"Yeah, well you could just barf at the end of the night before you fall asleep.. prob help with a hangover too."
"Yeah but throwing up alcohol is so terrible for your esophagus. Don't you remember throwing up liquor at some point and just feeling like you threw up fireballs? I mean, i wouldn't really complain if i was throwing up fireballs. I'd gladly accept that.. in fact I would do that, and then move to the Himalayas and just practice shooting fireballs for a really long time. I'd get good and then I'd come back and be a CIA agent and just commit a bunch of crimes but cover them up by burning the evidence with my fireballs.
"Sorta of dexter style."
"um.. yeah but alaina, dexter can't shoot fireballs. I'd still marry him though."
(it was almost as if me and him were at home driving in my car really baked and just having this conversation.
17.4.09
it's important to know
16.4.09
i cant wait for you much longer
i didn't realize how much i had left behind or how much i had lost.
i'm thinking so much about all of this now while all of the emotional things that have slipped my mind are being thrown back at me.
i sometimes think i cant breathe and i dont actually know what makes me happy anymore.
i dont even know what it's like to feel my own emotions. i dont know what is healthy for me.
i dont know what i should be doing. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i dont know whether i should sip anymore of this beer. i dont know if i should...
i'm thinking so much about all of this now while all of the emotional things that have slipped my mind are being thrown back at me.
i sometimes think i cant breathe and i dont actually know what makes me happy anymore.
i dont even know what it's like to feel my own emotions. i dont know what is healthy for me.
i dont know what i should be doing. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i dont know whether i should sip anymore of this beer. i dont know if i should...
18.3.09
Homeless village where the bridge goes over Ashland.
Sometimes I complete my routine and sometimes I don't.
Defying what's expected on the tip of your tongue, I don't stray far.
Maybe it's the aftermath of all of the "last night's."
I'm one year closer, two decades in.
I still haven't figured out what I'm supposed to be doing this for.
They say people that lack religion, lack the drive to live well.
I think they just haven't learned to make themselves happy within themselves.
1 in every 11 minutes spent online is on social networking sites.
hold on, I just barfed on my cup and saucer.
Can we learn what real communication is?
As I stared at the reflection in the glass, my eyes quickly shifted to the cup, which remained empty still.
I kept going for it and then remembered what the inside of it looked like.
A white cat eating vanilla ice cream in a snowstorm.
Defying what's expected on the tip of your tongue, I don't stray far.
Maybe it's the aftermath of all of the "last night's."
I'm one year closer, two decades in.
I still haven't figured out what I'm supposed to be doing this for.
They say people that lack religion, lack the drive to live well.
I think they just haven't learned to make themselves happy within themselves.
1 in every 11 minutes spent online is on social networking sites.
hold on, I just barfed on my cup and saucer.
Can we learn what real communication is?
As I stared at the reflection in the glass, my eyes quickly shifted to the cup, which remained empty still.
I kept going for it and then remembered what the inside of it looked like.
A white cat eating vanilla ice cream in a snowstorm.
9.3.09
Oh hey, I'm alive!
Today I did something that made me feel human again.
A guy came into the restaurant and I could tell he was a bit under the influence. I had noticed him standing outside earlier in the day and wondered what he was doing because he had been out there for over an hour. He finally walked in and inquired about a pay phone. I told him we didn't have one but to check the BP across the street. He just looked at me, disheartened. I always get awkward, so I just started talking.. trying to think of what I could do for him. So I found out, it was just a local call so I let him use the restaurant's phone for a minute. I felt so bad for the man because he was trying to get ahold of his wife to come pick him up. He barely spoke english and just kept thanking me over and over and asked me to dial the number for him. There was no answer the first time so he made me call back right away. I called and this time a woman answered so I handed him the phone. When he was finished with the phone call, he kept insisting that he pay the restaurant for the phone call because he was so thankful that we had let him use it. I told him not to worry about it and he told me I was the first person to do him a favor in over two years and I helped to "refresh his opinion of humanity." He left two dollars on the counter and just simply said "Tip. Thank you."
easiest two dollars i've ever made and it made me feel good.
Not a big deal, just something that stuck with me.
Oh and then two black dudes came in, placed their order then asked me to hold off for a minute before putting it in because they were going to have a smoke. The one dude winked at me and was like "we're gonna smoke dope." I laughed because these dudes were like 45. I just said "Enjoy yourselves. I'll put it in in a couple." They came in, ate, and paid. After they left, I walked over to bus their table and i found my tip money in a napkin along with a joint. HAHA. They left me 3 bucks and a j.... life is so funny.
A guy came into the restaurant and I could tell he was a bit under the influence. I had noticed him standing outside earlier in the day and wondered what he was doing because he had been out there for over an hour. He finally walked in and inquired about a pay phone. I told him we didn't have one but to check the BP across the street. He just looked at me, disheartened. I always get awkward, so I just started talking.. trying to think of what I could do for him. So I found out, it was just a local call so I let him use the restaurant's phone for a minute. I felt so bad for the man because he was trying to get ahold of his wife to come pick him up. He barely spoke english and just kept thanking me over and over and asked me to dial the number for him. There was no answer the first time so he made me call back right away. I called and this time a woman answered so I handed him the phone. When he was finished with the phone call, he kept insisting that he pay the restaurant for the phone call because he was so thankful that we had let him use it. I told him not to worry about it and he told me I was the first person to do him a favor in over two years and I helped to "refresh his opinion of humanity." He left two dollars on the counter and just simply said "Tip. Thank you."
easiest two dollars i've ever made and it made me feel good.
Not a big deal, just something that stuck with me.
Oh and then two black dudes came in, placed their order then asked me to hold off for a minute before putting it in because they were going to have a smoke. The one dude winked at me and was like "we're gonna smoke dope." I laughed because these dudes were like 45. I just said "Enjoy yourselves. I'll put it in in a couple." They came in, ate, and paid. After they left, I walked over to bus their table and i found my tip money in a napkin along with a joint. HAHA. They left me 3 bucks and a j.... life is so funny.
8.3.09
this song is going to be my jam of spring
My shadow and me forever will be, all alone.
a necklace for me of chemistry, take me home.
eat my way out of the mess I made, all alone.
Now it's just me vs. the pharmacy, take me home.
Big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I turn the tables, turn the tables
Turn the tables round
With big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, go up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I'm gonna knock you up
and knock you up
and knock you down
My shadow and me forever will be, all alone
A necklace for me of chemistry, take me home
Delete my emails and silence my calls
Cause I can't explain but send a postcard
Across the world so you can't complain
a necklace for me of chemistry, take me home.
eat my way out of the mess I made, all alone.
Now it's just me vs. the pharmacy, take me home.
Big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I turn the tables, turn the tables
Turn the tables round
With big bills, tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills, go up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I'm gonna knock you up
and knock you up
and knock you down
My shadow and me forever will be, all alone
A necklace for me of chemistry, take me home
Delete my emails and silence my calls
Cause I can't explain but send a postcard
Across the world so you can't complain
4.3.09
and what a debate, do you still know my full name?
Let's hear you laugh without oxygen, world!
You've been holding on to make a point, well what's the point?
Cause I took it like a grown man, lying on the pavement
I haven't heard a thing you've said, in at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?
I never wanna hear the truth, cause your voice it sounded fine.
I can feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I will sleep alright.
I realized then that you were perfect.
And I felt love again.
You've been holding on to make a point, well what's the point?
Cause I took it like a grown man, lying on the pavement
I haven't heard a thing you've said, in at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?
I never wanna hear the truth, cause your voice it sounded fine.
I can feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I will sleep alright.
I realized then that you were perfect.
And I felt love again.
24.2.09
i must of done a dozen
I'm working on that.
It's the outline; not like the outline of a state or the outline of some research project.
The outline of being human. All the lines and tubes and concrete pieces.
It's what we are, but god knows you don't know a lot about that. I could help.
Well, probably not.
I overlooked it and I'm pretty sure it's not worth any time or effort on my part.
It's just you're unrealistic and hedonistic and I'm here working on all the opposite forces.
You don't dare, then you tell me I'm self-absorbed.
This routine is getting stale. You might have been right because I'm not sure how I feel.
There's no sight to see.
loved you more than everything
loved you more than anything
loved anything more than everything.
It's the outline; not like the outline of a state or the outline of some research project.
The outline of being human. All the lines and tubes and concrete pieces.
It's what we are, but god knows you don't know a lot about that. I could help.
Well, probably not.
I overlooked it and I'm pretty sure it's not worth any time or effort on my part.
It's just you're unrealistic and hedonistic and I'm here working on all the opposite forces.
You don't dare, then you tell me I'm self-absorbed.
This routine is getting stale. You might have been right because I'm not sure how I feel.
There's no sight to see.
loved you more than everything
loved you more than anything
loved anything more than everything.
hysteric.
we are only as stable as a chair with it's screws loose.
Let's pretend we've got it worked out.
I know we are real good at pretending.
Flow sweetly, hang heavy
you suddenly complete me.
Let's pretend we've got it worked out.
I know we are real good at pretending.
Flow sweetly, hang heavy
you suddenly complete me.
13.2.09
I DONT KNOW IF THE WORLD KNOWS HOW GODDAMN GOOD THE NEW BLACK LIPS IS!
JESUS FUCXKING CHRIST. (<--- best typo ever. keepin it.)
IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY
YOU CANT BE THE JACK JOHNSTON OF TODAY
BIG BLACK BABY JESUS ON THE WAY
MY ONLY JESUS OF TODAY
C'MON
DO IT DO IT TODAY
BIG BLACK JESUS ON THE WAY!
IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY
IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY
YOU CANT BE THE JACK JOHNSTON OF TODAY
BIG BLACK BABY JESUS ON THE WAY
MY ONLY JESUS OF TODAY
C'MON
DO IT DO IT TODAY
BIG BLACK JESUS ON THE WAY!
IT DONT MATTA WHAT THEY SAY
11.2.09
I really miss playing softball.
It's the idea of tug of war.
Up and down and a "Thank you" in between.
I'm begging you to just tell me.
It's sticky like every situation you've ever gotten yourself into.
I feel like I'm not on the same page anymore. Was I ever?
I want to extend my position on the fact that you never put out much of an effort.
I waited for so long and I swear that one night I called your name three times,
and you didn't hear me. Maybe you just did a great job of ignoring me.
You're probably not as bad, as I make you out to be.
Up and down and a "Thank you" in between.
I'm begging you to just tell me.
It's sticky like every situation you've ever gotten yourself into.
I feel like I'm not on the same page anymore. Was I ever?
I want to extend my position on the fact that you never put out much of an effort.
I waited for so long and I swear that one night I called your name three times,
and you didn't hear me. Maybe you just did a great job of ignoring me.
You're probably not as bad, as I make you out to be.
it wasn't quite time for the brain's chance at explosion.
has anyone seen "my life without me"?
I don't know how she is ready.
I always knew she'd be the one to end up like them.
I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
If I do find a phone in my pocket, and things you don't know.
I pulled out the phone, still black with blood, still.
I knew just where it came from, remembered the kill.
If you had not lived it is not true.
I, forever haunted by god and you.
You came back alive.
When you should have been dead.
The shavings of skin, shot through me.
The bottle dying.
With all of my love, I wished you back dead.
Ghosts and rocks and fingers, read all in my head.
You never are just what you seem.
The fight lasts my sleep, and so I dream.
I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
Of all of the blood by the wall.
And things you don't know.
I don't know how she is ready.
I always knew she'd be the one to end up like them.
I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
If I do find a phone in my pocket, and things you don't know.
I pulled out the phone, still black with blood, still.
I knew just where it came from, remembered the kill.
If you had not lived it is not true.
I, forever haunted by god and you.
You came back alive.
When you should have been dead.
The shavings of skin, shot through me.
The bottle dying.
With all of my love, I wished you back dead.
Ghosts and rocks and fingers, read all in my head.
You never are just what you seem.
The fight lasts my sleep, and so I dream.
I had a bad dream, it's gonna make you go.
Of all of the blood by the wall.
And things you don't know.
it's like a bra, that doesn't hold your tits.
I won't sing your algebra.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing your alphabet.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing hilarious, as I hum.
I hum, I hum, a-ha.
I probably shouldn't have dosed it.
A cathedral sick of the sky again.
I'll tell you what I mean by that, maybe not in seconds flat, maybe not today. (probably never)
Your pop culture descriptions make me want to fucking barf, by the way.
It's not real. It's all everything you motherfuckers see on the outside and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
When you learn what real writing is, call me and we can maybe talk.
But probably not, because at that point you will have used up all your goddamn excuses and all your fake cries for wolf.
How many more times can i tell you?
How many more times can i pick up my telephone?
How many more times can I avoid phone calls from bill collectors?
How many more times can I get by without paying rent?
?
THIS IS FUCKING FOREVER.
I always said this song would be the one.
The one who wouldn't save me.
I was wrong about it, the first time I felt anything.
Are you sitting down?
You've been here for 13 minutes and I want you to fucking leave.
I'm pushing everything good out of my life.
I can't be reminded.
I'm going to find my old rock before anything serious happens.
I need to say goodbye, I never got a chance to.
Just couldn't get things right.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing your alphabet.
I won't sing anything, oh.
I won't sing hilarious, as I hum.
I hum, I hum, a-ha.
I probably shouldn't have dosed it.
A cathedral sick of the sky again.
I'll tell you what I mean by that, maybe not in seconds flat, maybe not today. (probably never)
Your pop culture descriptions make me want to fucking barf, by the way.
It's not real. It's all everything you motherfuckers see on the outside and quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
When you learn what real writing is, call me and we can maybe talk.
But probably not, because at that point you will have used up all your goddamn excuses and all your fake cries for wolf.
How many more times can i tell you?
How many more times can i pick up my telephone?
How many more times can I avoid phone calls from bill collectors?
How many more times can I get by without paying rent?
?
THIS IS FUCKING FOREVER.
I always said this song would be the one.
The one who wouldn't save me.
I was wrong about it, the first time I felt anything.
Are you sitting down?
You've been here for 13 minutes and I want you to fucking leave.
I'm pushing everything good out of my life.
I can't be reminded.
I'm going to find my old rock before anything serious happens.
I need to say goodbye, I never got a chance to.
Just couldn't get things right.
10.2.09
Sun down, run down.
on the back porch i sat down and on the stoop and i looked out over the railing
the rocks were assorted, all stained with mud.
i felt lifted. I guess as long as the sun is shining we should all be on our best behavior.
Isn't that right?
Everything makes me a dance machine and it's this time of the year for all the best exchanges.
I'm going to the chapel and I'm...
We are all broken pieces, I am a broken man.
I don't know if that's how your lyrics go.
I will assume; I enjoy them quite the same.
Give me that drum beat, 1, 2, 3, 4.
The extended use of our technology means nothing more than a message sent to the sky.
I dont have time for your aftermath.
I will probably take part of your eulogy and call it my own.
There is so much good happening across this universe at this exact time and place.
I am going to purchase a one way ticket to one of three places in the next 3 days.
Prices won't go up and I won't bring down.
I just don't care anymore.
Is there something wrong with that?
I don't want to call you one bit. i know I need to do that though and if I don't I won't be as disappointed.
I wish I could walk the sidewalk and watch all the cracks form as I stride down the street, sly as a fox.
You are to the crazy level and I'm hanging out at ground zero.
I'm dying for some goddamn noise.
When did the clock strike? Did you make sure I was oblivious?
You should have, it would have been smart.
Press "Pause".
the rocks were assorted, all stained with mud.
i felt lifted. I guess as long as the sun is shining we should all be on our best behavior.
Isn't that right?
Everything makes me a dance machine and it's this time of the year for all the best exchanges.
I'm going to the chapel and I'm...
We are all broken pieces, I am a broken man.
I don't know if that's how your lyrics go.
I will assume; I enjoy them quite the same.
Give me that drum beat, 1, 2, 3, 4.
The extended use of our technology means nothing more than a message sent to the sky.
I dont have time for your aftermath.
I will probably take part of your eulogy and call it my own.
There is so much good happening across this universe at this exact time and place.
I am going to purchase a one way ticket to one of three places in the next 3 days.
Prices won't go up and I won't bring down.
I just don't care anymore.
Is there something wrong with that?
I don't want to call you one bit. i know I need to do that though and if I don't I won't be as disappointed.
I wish I could walk the sidewalk and watch all the cracks form as I stride down the street, sly as a fox.
You are to the crazy level and I'm hanging out at ground zero.
I'm dying for some goddamn noise.
When did the clock strike? Did you make sure I was oblivious?
You should have, it would have been smart.
Press "Pause".
good work, clyde.
Take me home
Eat my way out of the
Mess I made
All alone
Now it's just me
Against the pharmacy
Take me home
With big bills
Tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills
Go up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I'm gonna knock you up
and knock you up
and knock you down
Eat my way out of the
Mess I made
All alone
Now it's just me
Against the pharmacy
Take me home
With big bills
Tucked in my sweater now
Cold chills
Go up my spine and down
I've got no problems now
Passive aggressive now
I'm gonna knock you up
and knock you up
and knock you down
definitley not me.
your melody is soft and sweet.
but unfortunately those weren't yours to keep.
sometimes you get things and have to give them back,
I'm really not ready to fully unpack.
I'm also not ready to close the eyes.
Sometimes things happen and one relies,
on your gracious smile and fantastic romance.
You can't even give her a second or one slight glance.
This is nothing new for me and you
but somehow you knew it would be true
that the end would come slow
and i would only shrink, in the snow.
i hate you.
but unfortunately those weren't yours to keep.
sometimes you get things and have to give them back,
I'm really not ready to fully unpack.
I'm also not ready to close the eyes.
Sometimes things happen and one relies,
on your gracious smile and fantastic romance.
You can't even give her a second or one slight glance.
This is nothing new for me and you
but somehow you knew it would be true
that the end would come slow
and i would only shrink, in the snow.
i hate you.
9.2.09
it's not me
Ive been searching this town
And all I have found
Are nights of bad sex
With stupid boyfriends I shouldn't have kept
In a stupid flat I never swept
So taxi take me away
The sullen students and corner cafes
All the rain on the day that you died
I've never seen the reservoir so high
I guess this is as close as it gets to goodbye
And all I have found
Are nights of bad sex
With stupid boyfriends I shouldn't have kept
In a stupid flat I never swept
So taxi take me away
The sullen students and corner cafes
All the rain on the day that you died
I've never seen the reservoir so high
I guess this is as close as it gets to goodbye
6.2.09
When she decided she was through with love...
No exaggeration necessary.
The sound of your street name leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.
But I am going to forget to fall apart today.
The snow fell hard from five to five
You had to drink to stay alive
But you were hoping it would kill you too
At least you'd have something changing you
Cause you were cold as the ice at your front door
You raised a trembling glass and shouted, "Fuck the war!"
And then you fell into oblivion
Lying on your bed with your shoes on
The sound of your street name leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.
But I am going to forget to fall apart today.
The snow fell hard from five to five
You had to drink to stay alive
But you were hoping it would kill you too
At least you'd have something changing you
Cause you were cold as the ice at your front door
You raised a trembling glass and shouted, "Fuck the war!"
And then you fell into oblivion
Lying on your bed with your shoes on
5.2.09
the morning news
I'm waiting for him to get out of bed.
I'm waiting for him to get out of bed so we can eat.
It's a short walk to the diner and they say it won't be as cold today.
My mind starts to wander and I'm wondering if I should swallow anything.
Everything used to have such an effect but now it's all starting to wane.
I'm going to give him ten more minutes.
Maybe this is the self-absorption he had spoken about?
He never said it directly, but I knew just what he meant
when he opened his mouth and out came the alphabet soup of words, to break my heart.
It didn't break my heart. Nothing ever will.
It broke my stride, for about 45 minutes.
I took my elbows and pushed them hard into the pavement.
I pulled the weight off of me and straightened my legs to be tall again.
I am in the dire search for consistency. I'm not sure what the appeal is of all these females on their beds? I think everyone could dance.
The mutual understanding between a lady and a man is obviously never quite there.
Sickness will always take a toll on us. We must keep going and not let it slow us down. I can't count the amount of days that I have not wanted to move in the slightest from my warm cocoon. If you don't you will suffer even greater.
It is a good idea to interact with the city in which you live. My roommate brought up a very valid point regarding driving in the city. Those who drive all the time are missing out on a very important part of the everyday city life, interacting with the city itself. Those people who never take the trains or buses never really see the other folks that live here too. They miss out on the poverty, they miss out on the underground subway art, they miss out on the human interaction. I'm curious now as to what defines a city.
I think I hear movement upstairs. Is he finally going to come down and eat with me? I'm finally getting too much high because I got bored while waiting. I think he really might be ready now. So many of my days start out like this. Waking up, Mike goes to work, I make some funny comment about how someone has to pay the bills, I fall back asleep in his bed, Marc comes downstairs and askes me to go get food with him. Sometimes he asks if I want coffee. We sit around, watch the weather channel, talk about learning french, clean the house. Then I go home. It's so quiet in this house in the morning.
I'm waiting for him to get out of bed so we can eat.
It's a short walk to the diner and they say it won't be as cold today.
My mind starts to wander and I'm wondering if I should swallow anything.
Everything used to have such an effect but now it's all starting to wane.
I'm going to give him ten more minutes.
Maybe this is the self-absorption he had spoken about?
He never said it directly, but I knew just what he meant
when he opened his mouth and out came the alphabet soup of words, to break my heart.
It didn't break my heart. Nothing ever will.
It broke my stride, for about 45 minutes.
I took my elbows and pushed them hard into the pavement.
I pulled the weight off of me and straightened my legs to be tall again.
I am in the dire search for consistency. I'm not sure what the appeal is of all these females on their beds? I think everyone could dance.
The mutual understanding between a lady and a man is obviously never quite there.
Sickness will always take a toll on us. We must keep going and not let it slow us down. I can't count the amount of days that I have not wanted to move in the slightest from my warm cocoon. If you don't you will suffer even greater.
It is a good idea to interact with the city in which you live. My roommate brought up a very valid point regarding driving in the city. Those who drive all the time are missing out on a very important part of the everyday city life, interacting with the city itself. Those people who never take the trains or buses never really see the other folks that live here too. They miss out on the poverty, they miss out on the underground subway art, they miss out on the human interaction. I'm curious now as to what defines a city.
I think I hear movement upstairs. Is he finally going to come down and eat with me? I'm finally getting too much high because I got bored while waiting. I think he really might be ready now. So many of my days start out like this. Waking up, Mike goes to work, I make some funny comment about how someone has to pay the bills, I fall back asleep in his bed, Marc comes downstairs and askes me to go get food with him. Sometimes he asks if I want coffee. We sit around, watch the weather channel, talk about learning french, clean the house. Then I go home. It's so quiet in this house in the morning.
28.1.09
"Imagine all the terrain, between your ear and your other ear"
sometimes what you write is so happy and other times it's so gloomy.
You can't quite make up your mind, can you?
"I don't know what you want me to do?"
I'm back on top, so why does it always have to be about Eric's trip?
The sleeve of my hooded sweatshirt was soaking wet from perspiration.
I need to stop being a nervous wreck and take a minute to get this shit gathered.
Hunter/Gatherer, ha!
It really is quite that simple. I'm only 22 minutes from freezing.
Or is it my boiling point?
I am already freezing in my apartment. When I go outside, I'm immune.
You can't quite make up your mind, can you?
"I don't know what you want me to do?"
I'm back on top, so why does it always have to be about Eric's trip?
The sleeve of my hooded sweatshirt was soaking wet from perspiration.
I need to stop being a nervous wreck and take a minute to get this shit gathered.
Hunter/Gatherer, ha!
It really is quite that simple. I'm only 22 minutes from freezing.
Or is it my boiling point?
I am already freezing in my apartment. When I go outside, I'm immune.
18.1.09
you are all chapters in my book
they say the third time is a charm.
Long-lost friend #1
I saw that photo of you today and it reminded me of why I thought you were so interesting. So solemn, yet with a sense of humor so parallel to mine. It's funny how we talked about the way we felt on one of your last nights in town. Everyone else in the room was just sitting by, having their own important discussions on whatever it is they thought was worth a breath or two. We both laughed about it. It's not like it wasn't obvious the entire time. We laughed about the time we sat under the stairs club house style. I felt like I was 9 years old again and I won't lie, I miss the feeling. We played frisbee in the alley way and we didn't have to wear jackets. We played frisbee quite a bit, before I started working so much. I can't remember the name of the girl that was with us, but i remember being surprised at her generosity. We walked out on the pier and that guy was doing yoga so close to us. We smoked weed anyways. I remember thinking in my head that this was the exact reason I came to this city in the first place. I needed to find good friends to share beautiful experiences with. I looked at the cityscape and I couldn't believe I was really there. The first time we hung out, you bought my beers. I thought your last name was something other than what it was. I feel so guilty because I only knew you for such a short time. You've been one of the people I think of most when I think of Chicago.
Long-lost friend #2
I miss smoking bowls with you after work. I hate that you have fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember when I first started that job, you would come back to the fitting room and talk to me for as long as you could get away with. The day you came into hair fairies with Drennen, we made plans to smoke because we both got off at the same time. We ended up walking to Oz Park and sitting on top of the only hill in the park. We watched a man with long red hair, jog up and down the park with no shirt on. He was as pale as a sheet of paper and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Then we saw those kids chasing after their miniature dogs. There was an older man standing just a few yards away from us and you looked at him so sincerely. I saw your smile slowly slip off your face and I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to sort out what you were feeling when you said aloud, "He probably misses his family." It was that exact moment that I knew why I felt like I understood you. We are both better at feeling other people's emotions better than we are at feeling our own. That man was doing nothing more than watching kids play with their dogs and we both thought of the sadness that only we could see in his eyes. You're a Pisces too. You used to give me rides home from work a lot. We would smoke out of an apple if we didn't have the proper equipment. The night that your car wouldn't start too. I really can't believe you don't talk to me anymore.
I hate that I've been lumped into that group. After that happened between you and her, you stopped coming around completely. We used to ride up and down the waterfront on our bikes, taking breaks to smoke on the rocks. You said something about the lake being so misleading. When you're there you felt like you could be anywhere and then you have to come back to the painful realization that it's just not fathomable. You would always take my thoughts straight from my head and say them to me. It would help me to put things into focus. I don't feel bad about not going back to Columbia because of you. I remember hearing your phone conversation with your sister about your parents christmas gift. Your brave honesty was another thing that always made me respect you. You weren't really ever ashamed. You were and still are one of the most down to earth people I know. I just hate that you never call. I know you're back with your old girlfriend and that's great! I just know how controlling she used to be and I feel like that's the reason we will never see you. I hope you move to New York though, or Florida.. I know you've talked about both places quite a bit.
Long-lost friend #1
I saw that photo of you today and it reminded me of why I thought you were so interesting. So solemn, yet with a sense of humor so parallel to mine. It's funny how we talked about the way we felt on one of your last nights in town. Everyone else in the room was just sitting by, having their own important discussions on whatever it is they thought was worth a breath or two. We both laughed about it. It's not like it wasn't obvious the entire time. We laughed about the time we sat under the stairs club house style. I felt like I was 9 years old again and I won't lie, I miss the feeling. We played frisbee in the alley way and we didn't have to wear jackets. We played frisbee quite a bit, before I started working so much. I can't remember the name of the girl that was with us, but i remember being surprised at her generosity. We walked out on the pier and that guy was doing yoga so close to us. We smoked weed anyways. I remember thinking in my head that this was the exact reason I came to this city in the first place. I needed to find good friends to share beautiful experiences with. I looked at the cityscape and I couldn't believe I was really there. The first time we hung out, you bought my beers. I thought your last name was something other than what it was. I feel so guilty because I only knew you for such a short time. You've been one of the people I think of most when I think of Chicago.
Long-lost friend #2
I miss smoking bowls with you after work. I hate that you have fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember when I first started that job, you would come back to the fitting room and talk to me for as long as you could get away with. The day you came into hair fairies with Drennen, we made plans to smoke because we both got off at the same time. We ended up walking to Oz Park and sitting on top of the only hill in the park. We watched a man with long red hair, jog up and down the park with no shirt on. He was as pale as a sheet of paper and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Then we saw those kids chasing after their miniature dogs. There was an older man standing just a few yards away from us and you looked at him so sincerely. I saw your smile slowly slip off your face and I didn't really know what to say. I was still trying to sort out what you were feeling when you said aloud, "He probably misses his family." It was that exact moment that I knew why I felt like I understood you. We are both better at feeling other people's emotions better than we are at feeling our own. That man was doing nothing more than watching kids play with their dogs and we both thought of the sadness that only we could see in his eyes. You're a Pisces too. You used to give me rides home from work a lot. We would smoke out of an apple if we didn't have the proper equipment. The night that your car wouldn't start too. I really can't believe you don't talk to me anymore.
I hate that I've been lumped into that group. After that happened between you and her, you stopped coming around completely. We used to ride up and down the waterfront on our bikes, taking breaks to smoke on the rocks. You said something about the lake being so misleading. When you're there you felt like you could be anywhere and then you have to come back to the painful realization that it's just not fathomable. You would always take my thoughts straight from my head and say them to me. It would help me to put things into focus. I don't feel bad about not going back to Columbia because of you. I remember hearing your phone conversation with your sister about your parents christmas gift. Your brave honesty was another thing that always made me respect you. You weren't really ever ashamed. You were and still are one of the most down to earth people I know. I just hate that you never call. I know you're back with your old girlfriend and that's great! I just know how controlling she used to be and I feel like that's the reason we will never see you. I hope you move to New York though, or Florida.. I know you've talked about both places quite a bit.
droppin' da steel curtain
we all write.
It's so funny how as humans we are okay with dumping our emotions out onto paper or some random social networking site, or some space in the world wide web we can call our own. Yet, we can't even look each other square in the eyes and say how we really feel. Will we always be so embarrassed by the way our minds work? I can't worry about what you all will think. I know deep down we are all human and we all have error. This is the error of a lifetime.
Thank you so much for your hospitality, everyone.
I feel like it's to the point that everything that I used to think was vital to my life is suddenly not important. I guess I've left myself with no other choice.
I'm about 4 days away from getting sucked back into the whirlwind and I guess I've got to be ready for it. I touched his hand, even though I shouldn't have.
I'm writing a letter for the future. I'm going to save it for whenever I get the adequate amount of information. I should write a letter to the future.
PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN.
(i feel like i need to plan a trip home that weekend)
i dont give a shit about sports, who am i kidding?
It's so funny how as humans we are okay with dumping our emotions out onto paper or some random social networking site, or some space in the world wide web we can call our own. Yet, we can't even look each other square in the eyes and say how we really feel. Will we always be so embarrassed by the way our minds work? I can't worry about what you all will think. I know deep down we are all human and we all have error. This is the error of a lifetime.
Thank you so much for your hospitality, everyone.
I feel like it's to the point that everything that I used to think was vital to my life is suddenly not important. I guess I've left myself with no other choice.
I'm about 4 days away from getting sucked back into the whirlwind and I guess I've got to be ready for it. I touched his hand, even though I shouldn't have.
I'm writing a letter for the future. I'm going to save it for whenever I get the adequate amount of information. I should write a letter to the future.
PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL AGAIN.
(i feel like i need to plan a trip home that weekend)
i dont give a shit about sports, who am i kidding?
young girls, young boys
make better use of your surroundings
I guess that's what they say is important.
you are standing on the edge of the couch and youre falling into the crack of the cushions.
furniture standing used to be your expertise. when did you start failing at such a simple task?
this is really not about furniture at all.
For I am not a shelf!
Don't take your time with any sort of apology.
I'm not really receptive to that sort of thing.
This floor shows stains but not as well as my shirt. (by shirt, i mean heart.)
I've got this knack or making the most of a terrible time.
This is a horrendous time and again, I'm failing at something I am usually oh so good at.
I guess you could say the hours are the real problem. Isn't that what we are all fighting for anyways?
More hours. More hours in a day, more hours of sleep, more hours at work, more hours to live.
It's all exactly the same.
It doesn't matter where you are or who you are there with.
It's all about you and what you will do.
I guess that's what they say is important.
you are standing on the edge of the couch and youre falling into the crack of the cushions.
furniture standing used to be your expertise. when did you start failing at such a simple task?
this is really not about furniture at all.
For I am not a shelf!
Don't take your time with any sort of apology.
I'm not really receptive to that sort of thing.
This floor shows stains but not as well as my shirt. (by shirt, i mean heart.)
I've got this knack or making the most of a terrible time.
This is a horrendous time and again, I'm failing at something I am usually oh so good at.
I guess you could say the hours are the real problem. Isn't that what we are all fighting for anyways?
More hours. More hours in a day, more hours of sleep, more hours at work, more hours to live.
It's all exactly the same.
It doesn't matter where you are or who you are there with.
It's all about you and what you will do.
10.1.09
the lottery is depressing
I got an email back within 4 hours. The only type of response I could conjure up was, "They are about to hate me."
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.
On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)
I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.
What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?
Of course, I thought of something else and responded back appropriately. In the back of my mind, it's repeating over and over again.
On the other end of the phone, she turned my disappointment into jealousy.
But, I wasn't even jealous.
I don't even care that they talk about you more often. I don't care that they are all really happy for you and the choices you've made in your life.
I'm sorry that it's not the way I've chosen to live mine.
You said it earlier, we are two different people.
What I cared about was that you left us all hanging.
Don't accuse me of feeling other emotions. Don't say that's the reason I'm calling you out. Don't say I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me. We all know better. I'm the one that thanks everyone 17,000 times for everything anyone does for me.
None of you owe me anything and it's time you realize I owe you nothing in return.
You put words in my mouth today. Those words ended up hurting someone's feelings.
Thanks for that, too. I guess.
I shouldn't be ungrateful but I feel terrible that there was a dinner for you, for your birthday.
Your mother spend 3 hours making you your favorite kind of dessert, hoping we could celebrate your birthday before you leave, as a family. The first and maybe last time we will all be together again, since we've both left.
You didn't come home. You went out to eat after I heard you say first hand you would be home saturday evening to have dinner with us. She planned this fucking dinner for 5 days. Asking me everyday what I thought she should cook for you. She couldn't decide between your favorites. When you asked her if she cared, she said no. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SAY!? As her kid, you are supposed to want to be there for dinner. She wants you to want to come. She doesnt want you to come out of fucking pity. I don't know what's so fucking hard to understand about that. Maybe I really am just good at picking up on human emotion through body language but I feel like that's an unwritten rule we all understand. When you called her back and said I yelled at you, she said it was okay and that it didnt matter to her and that she'd see you in the morning. So tomorrow morning I'm going to have to smile and pretend to go along with the fact that it's okay that you blew us off. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not calling any of you. When you told her what I said, she said it was because my feelings were hurt that everyone wanted to see you and no one asked about me. She said it was because I'm 500 dollars in debt and dad told me he couldn't help me, so I called you out of anger. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I just wanted to scream on the other end of the phone THAT'S NOT TRUE. I dont want help from anyone. I left on my own and I'm doing this on my own. I don't care who calls and wants to see you. If I was worried about that I would have kissed their asses like you did growing up. It's just sad, and I'm sorry.
(I really can't believe I just exploded like that on a fucking blog. That was the biggest outpour of emotions I've felt in months.)
I'm here for another 14 hours and the worst part about being here is not really wanting to stay, but not really wanting to go.
What do you do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere?
8.1.09
stop selling me your culture!
“ I don't know why I want to do these things, other than my desire to escape from Small Town, U.S.A., to dismiss the boundaries, to explore. It isn't a bad place where I grew up, but there was nothing going on but the cornfields. My life experience came from watching movies, watching TV and reading books and looking at magazines. And when your fucking culture comes from watching TV every day, you're bombarded with images of things that seem cool, places that seem interesting, people who have jobs and careers and opportunities. None of that happened where I was. You're almost taught to realize it's not for you."
—Trent Reznor, Rolling Stone
Trent, on my home town.
Maybe this is the problem.
(that last line hits hard)
—Trent Reznor, Rolling Stone
Trent, on my home town.
Maybe this is the problem.
(that last line hits hard)
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