I was the one with the world at my feet

This song was playing in my dream last night

I keep having really crazy dreams. I dont usually dream. I guess it's because i haven't been falling asleep drunk like i usually do.
Or in other people's homes like I usually do. I've been sleeping in my own bed, alone. The way things should be. Not with mike, not with marissa and bob, not with margaret, not with lena and rachel. My old cuddle partners.


Except I've been having bad dreams sometimes. Ones that make me wake up scared and anxious and then I have trouble falling back asleep. I was late for the megabus to go home (something i've been longing to do for a while now), I fell asleep on the blue line and ended up in forest park where some guy kept following me and trying to touch my ass (urgh, really?), then you were sleeping at her house and for some reason you had the nerve to call my dad and ask him to come get you. When I confronted you with it, you didn't even bother to show me you were sorry. You just kept acting like it wasn't a big deal and I was being the crazy one. I didn't want to tell you I was done but I needed to be.


I don't want to get so deep.


"What it is and when it stops, nobody knows. You gave me this life, I never chose. I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go."

thank you and have a blessed day

still hyping the new papercuts, hard.


"Yeah Alaina, my alcohol tolerance is pretty ridiculous these days, I actually hate it. I consume like what... 160 calories in each beer and I have like 25 a night. It's like oh hey! I just ate 3 loafs of bread."

"Yeah, well you could just barf at the end of the night before you fall asleep.. prob help with a hangover too."

"Yeah but throwing up alcohol is so terrible for your esophagus. Don't you remember throwing up liquor at some point and just feeling like you threw up fireballs? I mean, i wouldn't really complain if i was throwing up fireballs. I'd gladly accept that.. in fact I would do that, and then move to the Himalayas and just practice shooting fireballs for a really long time. I'd get good and then I'd come back and be a CIA agent and just commit a bunch of crimes but cover them up by burning the evidence with my fireballs.

"Sorta of dexter style."

"um.. yeah but alaina, dexter can't shoot fireballs. I'd still marry him though."




(it was almost as if me and him were at home driving in my car really baked and just having this conversation.

it's important to know

the new papercuts album is so amazing. It's dreamy, all analog sound arrived just in time to maybe be my first favorite summertime album.

i cant wait for you much longer

i didn't realize how much i had left behind or how much i had lost.

i'm thinking so much about all of this now while all of the emotional things that have slipped my mind are being thrown back at me.

i sometimes think i cant breathe and i dont actually know what makes me happy anymore.
i dont even know what it's like to feel my own emotions. i dont know what is healthy for me.
i dont know what i should be doing. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i dont know whether i should sip anymore of this beer. i dont know if i should...