the truth is, I miss you.

There was a day when I used to get what I deserved.
Tonight while I stood in the cold I kept thinking back to the summer after I graduated. Although not so long ago, some parts of that entire time frame still slip my mind. I'm very terrible about keeping running logs of what I do with my life. My memory constantly fails me but I remember wanting to remember. I wanted to be able to look back and think about every experience I had and feel it inside my body. Almost as if I could put myself in that particular situation at any given moment, it could happen just by closing my eyes. I am blessed with a vivid photographic memory. I should use it more often.

The back roads made a patchwork quilt across the county and I was the seamstress. Those days, we were unhygienic and lonesome. We looked for every excuse to leave our homes and drive to the same convenience stores everyday. I would waste the energy and drive to your house. We would turn around and weave our path back to our county seat. They always told us we should be proud of that building in the center of the square. I never remembered it bringing my family any type of good. Visual pleasure does not equal worth. Shut your eyes before they wander too far.

Your dog had puppies and I would spend days watching them play together. I remember peyote vomiting and feeling so warm under the sun's ray. I opened my car door the second my phone rang. I didn't hesitate to tell him, yes, of course I would pick them up. We went to the training camp for the Pittsburgh Steelers. St. Vincent College.

Sometimes I just want to call you and start screaming.
I would only scream:
"LIVE IN TRAILERS WITH NO CLASS
GODDAMN I HOPE I CAN PASS, HIGH SCHOOL MEANS NOTHING
AND I SHOUT THAT YOU'RE ALL FAKES
AND YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
WHEN COMPARING YOUR BELLY ACHES
AND IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
WHICH AGRESS WITH THIS WATCH OF MINE
AND I KNOW THAT I MISS YOU
AND I'M SORRY IF I DISSED YOU."

it would have to be me, you and zach. We would have to be standing in your basement next to the keg and the chairs. Do you remember the "senior party" and all the pictures your mom used to make us take? I want to walk into your den and see you guys all sitting around with controllers in your hands, wearing the classiest suit jackets I've ever seen.
I want to see Nebula, or whatever name you guys decided to give her in the end. I'm going to save up money for a dragonfly and I will practice.

Summer was about interstate 79 and horseshoes. We would get into the vehicle and I'd reach for the chord. You'd pick what we listened to by grunting every time I choose something that wasn't to your liking. It was a straight shot and sometimes we'd take route 19. Cops were worse sometimes but it was less congested. I would always get anxious and fidget with the window controls, never knowing whether the sunroof would prove to be a great or terrible idea.

One time that I came over, you told me to come to your side window and we would escape like secret agents. I came down the highway and made the left turn into your driveway. I pulled up the emergency brake, just one click, and turned my lights off. Continued to slowly drive up your street, all the way into your driveway. I carefully shut my door and started running over to the side of your house. I could see you sitting in the window and you parents sitting with Gunner, on the couch in the living room. You were probably playing DOD. I tripped over the boulders in your side yard, I never knew you had such terrain located on the side of your home. I finally balanced on stable ground and found a couple great stones. I started tossing them towards your window, you finally caught on that this was the signal. You looked out the window and motioned to the driveway with the most serious face I've ever seen you give. I took off running and got into the car. You escaped down your back stairs in the kitchen, to your basement. I saw you flick the light on in the basement and a few seconds later you were opening my passenger door. We pulled out of the driveway in a haste and smoked a bowl. All of that, to just go for a cruise around good old grove city. That's why you were(are) my best friend. We made everything into some kind of adventure, even if it was the most simple of operations . I really wish I wouldn't have lost as many of the videos as I have over the years. I used to have such a collection of our antics on my old computer. New Years, when you told me I couldn't get excited about moving to Chicago because it was the saddest story you've ever heard and you didn't want to hear it anymore. You guys kept saying you were leaving and no one ever knew how serious you were. I would drag you to the library every day during study hall. We would sit in the round chairs and secretly steal ads out of the periodicals. Mrs. Furey would get so angry with us and threaten to kick us out. She never really would although, the aide, whose name I don't remember (I still hate her), would try to draw the cut off right before we got to sign in. Ugh, and to think I was a library cadet.


i think of you the most when i hear dramamine.